Hey Dad
by Lady Jaye1
Summary: Han goes where no father should NEVER ever go. WARNING: Hanness, blackmail, language, slight sexual innuendos, possible extortion... COMPLETE
1. Reaching Point A

_Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars and I am not responsible for the sanity of the characters._

**Hey Dad…**

_**Chapter 1: Reaching Point A**_

It was the one thing that all fathers dreaded most.

**1.** _Daughter needed her first bra._

**2.** _Daughter had her first period._

**3.** _Daughter's mother was away on a three-week delegation to some seemingly insignificant yet somehow vitally crucial planet to the New Republic. (In other words, the name of the planet is unimportant to our story.)_

So Han Solo did the following:

**A.** _He screamed bloody murder (after Daughter was out of hearing range)._

**B.** _Pleaded and begged with nearest female associates (Mara Jade told him to suck it up)._

**C.** _Screamed some more (this time incoherently)._

**D.** _Agree to take Daughter shopping (Thanks Dad!)._

**E.** _Try to blackmail help._

It just so happened that Jedi Master Luke Skywalker had the misfortune of walking in just as Han had reached point E. (It should be noted that Anakin and Threepio were with Leia. It should also be mentioned that Jacen and Chewbacca had abandoned the Corellian by this time.)

But before we review the Blackmail of Luke Skywalker and the Great Shopping Adventure (as well as the interference of the infamous Talon Karrde), perhaps it should first be revealed as to how Han Solo first arrived at point A.

…………………………………..

Han should have known something would go wrong with Leia gone. Something always went wrong when Leia was gone. First there was that failed cooking attempt with Calrissian and then there was that time the kids had been kidnapped YET again. (But in Han's defense, had that _really _been his fault? coughThreepiocough).

Some days Solo thought he was at the losing end of some celestial sabacc game. Today was one such day.

It had all started innocently enough. Jacen and Jaina were on the Falcon with Chewy. They were helping the Wookiee recalibrate the navigation systems and Han had intended to go check on their progress in a few minutes.

Han Solo had been reading a message from Lando (some new moneymaking enterprise no doubt) and drinking his coffee (extra black with just a 'touch' of Corellian rum) when Jaina had burst into the kitchen.

"Hey Dad…"

The Corellian looked up from his coffee to study his daughter. The twelve-year old fidgeted as her father looked at her. She shuffled her feet nervously as Han gave her a concerned look.

"What's wrong Jaina?" The normally outspoken Solo looked silently at her feet as her cheeks flushed red. Now having Han's full attention, he turned his chair to fully face his clearly upset daughter.

"Jaina?"

Jaina cringed. This had to be the most embarrassing thing of her young life.

"Jaina, I can't help you if you don't tell me what's wrong." The girl looked up at Han with large brown eyes, so much like Leia's own (Mmm…Leia…**Han's thought**).

"You'll freak out," she finally said. Han felt a brief flash of anxiety. What had happened? Why wasn't Jacen and Chewy with her?

"No I won't. Now what happened?" Han took a sip of his coffee for strength. Jaina shuffled her feet again before finally blurting it out with typical Solo finesse.

"IhavemyperiodandIneedabra!" (Translation: I have my period and I need a bra!)

It took Han Solo a few seconds to register this string of words. It then took a few more seconds for this to register in his mind.

Han choked on his coffee.

Han coughed for air.

Han stared blankly at the twelve-year old girl.

A reddened Jaina yelled at him.

"See! I told you you'd freak out! Chewy practically jumped out of his seat when I told him!"

Chewy…

"Umm…" Han managed weakly. Of all the times…Why now? WHY HIM?

"Umm…" Han said dumbly (again). Jaina's face flushed a deeper shade of red. _Think Han, Think! _Han cringed as he realized that his daughter was probably reading his mind. Jaina Solo decided that her father needed a few minutes to collect himself. The granddaughter of Darth Vader dashed to hide in the refuge of hers and Jacen's bathroom. (The invisible forms of Anakin Skywalker and Obiwan Kenobi look on, each thanking the Force that they never had to deal with anything like this.)

Han Solo stood silently in the kitchen with his coffee in one hand. One minute passed. Two minutes. Three minutes passed until the Corellian finally set his coffee down and walked calmly into his and Leia's bedroom. The Corellian walked quickly into Leia's (immense) closet and shut the door. Finally certain that Jaina was out of hearing range, the former smuggler let loose.

"AAAAAHHHHHH!"

………………

Next Chapter: **Points B-E**


	2. Points B Through E

_Author's Note: I guess I should have noted earlier that this is more in tune with the Academy books. I know that in Zahn's Spector of the Past and Visions of the Future, Jaina was nine and a half. So technically, Mara and Luke should be married in this, but it didn't really fit with how I wanted the story to go. _

_Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars and I am not responsible for the sanity of the characters._

**Hey Dad…**

**_Chapter 2: Points B-E_**

"AAAHHHH!"

As we found out in the last chapter, Han is not having a good day. You see, the former smuggler turned Rebel hero was about to experience one of the most excruciating events of his life.

Han Solo was going to go shopping for bras and menstrual items with his twelve-year old daughter.

Somewhere across the vastness of the known galaxy on that certain insignificant planet, Leia Organa Solo gave a shudder (some premonition of the Force obviously). She sat quite still for several seconds before shaking it off and going back to work.

The Corellian finally calmed down (slightly) as he walked out of the closet. He walked back into the kitchen and picked up his comlink. For you see, our favorite Non-Jedi hero was not about to venture out into the world of feminine hygiene alone. He took a deep breath to calm himself before placing the call.

"Chewie! Where in the seven Corellian hells are you!"

Nothing.

"CHEWIE!"

Nothing.

Han Solo muttered a curse as he prepared to yell into the comlink again. Fortunately for us, we are spared the raging screams of a desperate Han because Chewbacca finally (and reluctantly) answered.

"Rwwarrrow?" (Translation: What?)

"Chewie I need a favor," Han said sweetly (very scary, coming from Han).

"Awwwrrruu rrhha grraaaw," Chewie shot back. (Translation: I'm not going with you.)

"Chewie!"

"Grww raw mrawwrowwww?" (Translation: Do I look stupid?)

"Dammit Chewie! Get your furry Wookiee hide over here!"

"Wwwwrrraaahhhhhh!" (Translation: Nnnoooooo!) Chewbacca went on to inform the desperate Corellian that he and Jacen had taken a shuttle off planet. (They were tempted to run away in the Falcon, however, we all know how Han would have reacted to that one.)

"Chewie you son of a bantha! I'll…"

Click.

Chewbacca hung up on him. Han stared at the comlink. _That furry son of a…he actually hung up on ME! _Han decided that the Wookiee would face a slow and painful death when he and Jacen finally returned. But until then…

What the hell was he supposed to do?"

Jaina peeked around the corner. The young girl had slipped out of the bathroom and tiptoed to the kitchen. She craned her neck to see what her father would do next. She hoped he would hurry up and just get it over with (the shopping part that is).

Han sighed and was about to go get Jaina when a light bulb flashed in his head. He rushed over to their computer and pulled up a list of every female he knew. Hope rose in him as he checked to see if any of them were on Coruscant. In a cruel twist of fate, only one was.

Mara Jade.

Han stared at his comlink and wondered if he had a death wish that day. Normally he wouldn't ask, but… Surely Mara would take pity on Jaina (Him, dammit, Him!) Han muttered a prayer to the gods of gambling and luck (Is there really such a thing?) as he contacted her. Surely just this one time…

"What the _hell _do you want Solo?" (Ah, good old Mara Jade.)

"I need your help," Han admitted miserably. Where ever she was, Mara raised an eyebrow. She had caught the tinge of desperation in Solo's voice.

"You need _my _help? With what?" _This ought to be good_, she thought.

"I need you to um…shop with…Jaina?" It somehow ended up coming out as a question.

"Shop?" Mara could hardly believe what she was hearing.

"Yeah…uh…you see…Leia's sort of not here…and..uh…um…well you know it's that…uh…"

"Spit it out Solo."

"Well….Jaina, you know…uh…she needs…it's that time for…"

"I'm hanging up Solo."

"No! Wait!"

"Bye Solo."

"Jainahasherperiodandsheneedsabra!" (Translation: Jaina has her period and she needs a bra!)

Silence.

Silence.

"Mara?" Han asked cautiously.

"Solo…"

Hope rose in the Corellian's chest. Surely she wouldn't turn _Jaina _down…

"You will?" he asked.

"No."

"WHAT?"

"Solo, let me put it to you in simple terms so that your feeble mind can comprehend. N. O."

"Dammit Mara…!"

"Suck it up Solo. Everyone needs a little humiliation now and then. Think of it as a father, daughter bonding thing."

"Mara I'll…"

Click.

Mara Jade was the second person to hang up on him today.

Han stared at the comlink.

"OF ALL THE **CENSORE CENSORE CENSORE **SITHSPAWN! **CENSORE CENSORE CENSORE!**" (Censored by the Coruscant Safety Commission)

Jaina covered her sensitive young ears.

Han took several deep breaths before giving a heavy sigh. It would appear that our hero had no other choice than to go forth into estrogen land. Alone.

Han cursed the Corellian gods of gambling and luck. (Maybe they really do exist.)

Han turned around to see Jaina staring wide eyed at him. His face turned a deep purplish-red as he asked.

"Did you…uh…hear all that?"

Jaina nodded her head.

Oops. Leia was going to kill him. (No foul language in front of the children, Dear!)

"Well, uh…forget everything you heard," Han said. (Yeah, like that will work Han.)

Jaina stared at him.

"Well, uh…" Han stammered. "I guess…we should get ready to go…"

Jaina disappeared into her bedroom to get ready and the Corellian sank down into a chair.

_Sithspawn._

Han stared at the comlink in his hand as another light bulb flashed in his head.

Blackmail.

The Corellian would blackmail someone into going with him. But who?

The doors to the Solo residence swished open as Jedi Master Luke Skywalker made his (soon to be unfortunate) entrance.

Han smile wickedly.

…………………………………………………………

Mara Jade switched off the comlink. She stared at it for several long seconds before a laugh rose in her throat.

Solo was going to go shopping.

Solo was going to go shopping for bras and menstrual items.

This was just too good to pass up, (Information such as this must be shared of course.) so Mara switched the comlink back on as she contacted a third party.

"Mara?" A deep male voice asked.

"How's your day going Karrde?"

"It could be better, why?"

Mara Jade smiled wickedly.

……………………………………

Next Chapter: **The Blackmail of Luke Skywalker**


	3. The Blackmail of Luke Skywalker

**Hey Dad...**

**Chpt. 3 : _The Blackmail of Luke Skywalker_**

Luke knew he should never had gotten out of bed this morning. Some prodding of the Force had told him to stay in bed (or maybe it was just his own wishful thinking), but Artoo had warbled insistly at the Jedi Master until he finally rolled out of bed.

Luke wished he had just ignored the droid. Why? Well...

"Luke!" Han exclaimed with unfeigned relief. "Just the Jedi I need. Say Kid, you want to go on a mission?" He asked craftily. Luke stopped in his tracks as he stared suspiciously at his brother-in-law.

"Mission?" he asked warily. Warning sirens were starting to go off in his head. He swore that he almost heard Obiwan yell _'Run Luke, Run!'_ in his ear. Han tried to smile innocently at him. (He failed miserably.)

"It's nothing much, just a...uh...shopping trip."

"_Han._"

"It'll be fun!" (Okay, now you're lying Han.)

Luke's eyes darted suspiciously around the room. He'd made it a rule to never pry into the minds of family members (Especially with Han, who knows what's floating around in that brain of his), but he could feel the mixture of desperation, fear, anger, and humiliation rolling off Han and Jaina. He was debating on whether or not to peek, but his sense of Jedi propriety unfortunately got in the way. (Damn Jedi propriety.)

"What's going on Han?"

"I just need you to go with me and Jaina on a shopping trip." Luke gave Han one of his infamous Jedi Master stares. (In other words, it's one of those _if no one can tell what I m thinking, maybe they ll leave me alone_, kind of stares.)

"I'm not stupid Han, what's going on?"

"I told you, we're going shopping."

"Han!"

"Okay okay."

Luke crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow at the Corellian.

"Well?" Luke asked.

"Well what?" Han asked with a slightly reddened face. Luke felt a sudden urge to throttle Han (Who wouldn't by this point?).

"What. Is. Going. On," Luke asked through gritted teeth.

"Oh that..." Han trailed off.

"Han..."

"Okay okay."

"Well?" Luke asked.

"Uh..." Han stuttered. Luke stifled an exasperated sigh. His legendary patience was starting to wear thin. (Already Luke? It's only just begun.) The Jedi Master gave his brother-in-law one of his most penetrating stares. Usually Han's personality was immune to this, however...

"Jainahasherperiodandsheneedsabra!" (Translation: It's the same cry of desperation that he gave to Mara Jade.)

Luke stared blankly at Han. His mouth opened and closed before he opened it again with the intention of spewing some infinite Jedi wisdom.

"Huh?" Luke asked. (Try harder next time Luke.)

"You heard me Kid! I m not repeating it!" Han yelled. _And I swear, if you abandon me like Chewie and Mara, I'll hunt you down and make you sit through one of Leia's lectures on Senate politics and New Republic internal protocol!_

"Sithspawn," Luke muttered. He really should have stayed in bed that morning. But knowing his luck, Han would have just hunted him down and drug him out of bed.

"You have to help me!" Han begged. "Chewie went into hiding and Mara turned me down!" Luke's eyes nearly popped out of their sockets as he stared hard at the Corellian.

"You...asked Mara for help!" he asked in amazement.

"She's a woman!"

"I know, but...Are you insane?"

"Yeah, well, it didn't work! She said no."

"Do you realize that she'll probably tell Karrde?"

Han froze. He and Luke stared at each other. They both groaned at the same time.

"Ah hell..." Han swore. Luke turned to the door as he tried to make an escape. He didn't get very far. (Han had a death grip on his Jedi cloak.)

"I'M NOT DOING THIS ALONE!" Han screamed. Luke winced painfully, as Han had screamed next to his eardrums.

"Han! Let go!"

"You're right Luke, let's go!"

"HAN!"

Jaina peered around the corner as she watched her father and uncle argue. She had never seen her uncle this red faced before.

Han's mind searched frantically for anything to blackmail the Jedi with. He blurted out the first thing that came to mind.

"I'll tell Leia that you and Callista slept together!"

"And that's a secret because..."

"Oh, right. Hey wait a minute...why are you being such a smart ass all of a sudden?"

Luke raised an eyebrow.

"Oh, right...come on Kid! You've got to help me!" Han pleaded.

"No."

"Please..."

"NO."

"Why not?"

"You want ME to spend several hours with you and Jaina while she shops for BRAS AND MENSTRUAL ITEMS?"

"Oh, right."

Pause.

Pause.

"I'll make you," Han threatened.

"Bye Han."

"No! Wait!" Luke started to walk out the door, dragging a still clinging Han behind him.

"I'LLTELLLEIAABOUTTHETIMETHATLANDOANDIGOTYOUASDRUNKASMEATMYBACHELOR'SPARTY!" (Translation: I'LL TELL LEIA ABOUT THE TIME THAT LANDO AND I GOT YOU AS DRUNK AS ME AT MY BACHELOR'S PARTY!)

Luke Skywalker visibly cringed. For you see, not only was this an unfortunate memory for our beloved Jedi Master, but the doors to the Solo residence had currently been wide open. Han's voice seemed to echo down the corridor.

Jedi Master Luke Skywalker considered his options:

**1.** _Run for it.  
_**2.** _Kill Han.  
_**3.** _Turn to the Dark Side.  
_**4.** _Kill Han.  
_**5.** _Blackmail someone else (Wait, damn! Wedge wasn't currently on Coruscant!)  
_**6.** _Kill Han._  
**7.** _Kill Han and face Leia's wrath._  
**8.** _Kill Han and face Jaina's wrath.  
_**9.** _Kill Han and take Jaina shopping. Alone.  
_**10.** _Don t Kill Han._

He reluctantly chose option eleven.

**11.** _Hang head in defeat and endure a day of abject humiliation._

The Jedi Master gave a sigh as he came back sulkily into the Solo residence as Han grinned in triumph.

The Blackmail of Luke Skywalker was complete.

_**Meanwhile:**_

Ghent stood nervously in front of his former boss. Although he was no longer in the employment of Talon Karrde, sometimes he still did favors for him on the side (When the New Republic wasn't watching.)

Karrde had been behaving strangely since he'd first called Ghent over to the _Wild Karrde_. Sometimes for no apparent reason, he'd suddenly break into outright laughter until his sides shook from the effort. In fact, even though Karrde wasn't laughing at the moment, there was a huge smirk plastered across his face.

"Ghent?"

"Yes Sir?'

"I need a favor," Karrde said. Ghent sighed internally and hoped that Bel Iblis wouldn't have his hide for this.

"What kind of favor?" he asked. Karrde's smirk broadened.

"Oh I think you ll enjoy this one," he said. He went on to explain his plan, with Ghent's eyes widening by the second. (Whatever he was expecting, it wasn't this.) Ghent stared silently at him for several seconds as he turned it over in his mind. He really shouldn't do this, but...

Ghent smiled.

As Ghent walked out of the room, Talon Karrde chuckled gleefully and rubbed his hands together in anticipation.


	4. The Great Shopping Adventure Begins

**Hey Dad...**

**_Chpt. 4 : The Great Shopping Adventure Begins_**

Today was not a good day for our heroes. After some more arguing and procrastination, our unfortunate duo set boldly (Well, not really...)out to where no man (or Jedi Master) has ever attempted to go before.

Bra shopping.

Actually, to be technically accurate, they took care of Jaina's period situation first.

"Dad, what's the difference between a tampon and a pad?" Jaina asked with embarrassment. A strangled sound rose in Han's throat as he eyed the shelf in front of him. Luke was standing as far away as he could be without technically ditching Han.

"The difference is..ah...um...Luke! Get back here!" Han yelled at the Jedi, glad for the distraction. Luke glared at him before reluctantly coming back. So much for that idea.

"Dad..."

"Okay okay."

Jaina continued to look at him and Han's face reddened even more. He looked beseechingly at Luke, but the Jedi Master's face was also deep shade of red. Obviously Luke wasn't going to help him on this one.

"It's ah...just read the box!" Han shoved a box of tampons at her. Jaina's eyes scanned the box before looking up at him. "It doesn't say," she said. Han grimaced.

"It doesn't? Uh, um..." he trailed off. Luke finally whispered in his ear.

"Just buy a box of those and a box of pads so we can get out of here. We can figure it out later." Han nodded in agreement as he grabbed a box of each and took it (ran actually) to a nearby scanner. The Corellian scanned the items and dug in his pocket for some credits. As Han was paying the machine, Jaina was looking around her in curiousity. She reached out for a box marked_ 'Condoms'_ and studied it before holding it up to her uncle.

"Uncle Luke, what are these?" Luke looked down and reddened at the box in her hand. He grabbed the box from her and set it back on the shelf.

"Nothing! It's nothing!" he exclaimed. Another box caught Jaina's eye. This one had the words _'Male performance enhancers'_ printed on it. She pointed to it and started to ask about it. But before she could finish her question, her uncle had grabbed her hand and rushed them out of the aisle.

Luke's face was beet red. (Actually, it was quite an amusing yet slightly pathetic contrast to his blonde hair)

Han gave him a curious look as Luke came rushing up to him.

"What now?" he asked. Luke gave him a 'Drop it' look and Han wisely shut up. They retreated from the store as they sought out a women's restroom for Jaina. Little did they know that they were being watched.

Talon Karrde was laughing his ass off.

Ghent had hacked into the store's security system and displayed the images on the screen of the_ Wild Karrde's_ bridge.  
Karrde gave a gasp for air between laughs as he swung his chair to look at Ghent.

"We're recording this, aren't we?" he asked. (Isn't this illegal Karrde)

"Yes," Ghent answered. (Bad Ghent)

Karrde gave a huge smirk as he went back to studying the screen. The image wasn't very clear this time, but he could see that Solo and Skywalker were standing self consciously near the women's restroom. He couldn't hear the dialogue this time, so he had to content himself with watching their body language. Solo was pacing nervously and Skywalker seemed to be attempting some Jedi meditation. (In case you're wondering, it didn't succeed)

A beeping reached his ear, but Karrde ignored it. Skywalker had just kicked Solo in the shin. H'sishi, a Togorian, then mewed at him.

_"Someone wishes to speak with you Chieftain."_  
Karrde cursed his luck, but business was business. Maybe it wasn't that important.

"Who is it H'sishi?" he asked.  
_  
"It is Lando Calrissian,"_ she answered. Karrde groaned mentally. What the hell did Calrissian want now?  
Karrde eyed the screen, but the trio had since left. Probably in search for another store. Karrde had heard enough of their conversation to know that they were going to shop for bras next.

"Put Calrissian on," he said reluctantly. "But keep tracking them!" Karrde bellowed at Ghent.  
He wasn't about to let his entertainment be ruined so easily.

A few moments later...

"Karrde"

"What is it Calrissian? I'm a little busy," Karrde asked. Lando smiled charmingly at him.

"Nothing really, I just noticed that you were on Coruscant, so I decided to call."

"Spit it out Calrissian." Karrde didn't want to miss anything.

"I need some information," Lando said.

"Okay, but not now."

Lando raised an eyebrow at him.

"Just exactly what are you in the middle of Karrde?" he asked as he eyed the other man. Karrde looked down at himself. He had a bowl of chips sitting haphazardly in his lap and a beer off to his right. And of course, just at that moment, Ghent spoke up again.

"I found Skywalker and Solo again! They just walked into Lady Bombei's Fashion Express!" As Karrde opened his mouth, Lando beat him to it.

"Whaaat?" Lando yelled in surprise. He knew that fashion store, he owned 45 percent of its stock. "What the hell are they doing in there"  
Karrde smirked at him as he answered.

"Bra shopping with Jaina."

Silence.

Silence.

"**HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!**" Tears were streaming from Lando's eyes.

"Actually, they just got done shopping for tampons and pads. I've got a recording of it if you want, but it'll cost you," Karrde said. Calrissian laughed even harder.

"A copy? How did you...never mind. It's probably illegal..."

"Well if you don't want it..."

"I didn't say that! I want it!"

"Sorry Calrissian, but you'll have to get off now. Ghent just hacked into Bombei's security system and I want to watch." Lando snickered evilly at that.

"What is it Calrissian?" Karrde asked.

"I wonder if they realize that Bombei's is a lingerie store?" Calrissian asked. (Why do you own 45 percent of a lingerie store Lando?) Karrde's eyebrows shot up. At that exact moment, he saw the trio come rushing out of the store. (I guess they didn't know Lando.) He had a strong suspicion that Skywalker had the reddest face of all. Karrde threw back his head and laughed hysterically. Solo was currently shaking his fist at Skywalker. Skywalker in turn was holding his hands up in defense.

"What happened?" Lando asked.

"Sorry Calrissian, but I'm not at liberty to tell you unless you pay. And you haven't paid."

"Dammit Karrde! What is it, your usual price?"

"I might offer you a discount if..."

"If what?" Lando asked suspiciously.

"If you give me a bottle of one of your fine wines." (Note to the Readers: Lando purchased a vinyard last year)

Pause.

"I'm coming over to the Wild Karrde, where are you docked?" Lando asked. Karrde had H'sishi transmit the information to him.

"You'd better hurry Calrissian, or you'll miss it," Karrde said, but there was no answer.  
Calrissian was already on his way. Karrde sat back with a smirk. The day just kept getting better.

For Han, Luke, and Jaina, the day just kept getting worse.


	5. Step 1, Finding a Store

**Hey Dad...**

**Chpt. 5: Step 1, Finding a Store.**

"A LINGERIE STORE! YOU TOOK US INTO A LINGERIE STORE?"

"THAT WAS YOUR IDEA, NOT MINE!"

Ah, poor poor Jaina. All the Force in the galaxy won't help her with this.

"HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW IT WAS A LINGERIE STORE?"

"YOU'RE THE JEDI MASTER, YOU TELL ME!"

Apparently it won't help Han and Luke either.

Jaina covered her face and wished she could just disappear. This would be embarrassing enough if she had just been an average girl. But no...she was Jaina Solo. Even if no one recognized her face, someone would surely recognize her father and uncle. They were still standing outside Lady Bombei's Fashion Express.

Luke took a deep breath and called on the Force for calm. This was hardly the behavior of a Jedi Master. Calm. Calm. Calm...

"I AM NOT ALL KNOWING!" He yelled at Han.

"WELL YOU SHOULD BE!" Han yelled back. (This is getting you guys no where.)

Jaina groaned softly as several people began to gather and stare at the arguing duo. This day couldn't end fast enough.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

"Are they still standing there?" Ghent asked in surprise. "It's been what, three minutes" Karrde chuckled to himself.

"You know," Karrde said outloud, "I've never seen Solo and Skywalker this unhinged before. Calrissian had better hurry if he wants to watch any of it."

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

"AND WHILE WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT, WHY THE HELL DID YOU KICK ME BACK THERE KID?"

"BECAUSE YOU WERE BEING A NERFHERDER!"

"WHAT?"

"YOU HEARD ME!"

Jaina was getting dangerously close to turning to the Dark Side and committing patricide.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

"Four minutes," Karrde said.

"Too bad we can't hear what they're saying," Ghent added. "Those two are really going at it."

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

"AHHHHHHH!" Jaina couldn't take it anymore. "YOU TWO ARE SO EMBARRASSING!" She yelled before running off down the street.

Han and Luke immediately shut up and ran after her.

As our heroes ran after the emotionally distraught twelve-year old, a pair of invisible figures looked on.

_"Master, I've just realized that turning to the Dark Side had one positive benefit,"_ said one figure. The other one turned to him with a raised eyebrow.

_"And what is that?"_ Obi-wan Kenobi asked.

_"I never had to go through this with Leia,"_ Anakin Skywalker answered solemnly.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

"Four minutes and thirteen seconds," Karrde said.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

"How could you do that to me?" Jaina sobbed. Han and Luke looked guiltily down at the girl, who was hiding inside their transport. (Nice job guys. Poor kid's probably scarred for life.)

"I'm sorry Jaina," Han and Luke muttered.

"I wish Mom or Winter was here," she complained. (Your dad and uncle wish that they were here too. But unfortunetely...)

Han wrung his hands in chagrin as Luke reached deep into the Force for calm. Both he and Han now felt very embarrassed over how they had acted.

"Umm...uh...um..." Han stuttered.

"..." Luke had a very sheepish look on his face.

"Uh...um...well...let's go finish shopping, okay?" Han tried to sound cheerful. Jaina glared up at her father. (Well, you can't really blame her.)

"Are you and Uncle Luke going to fight again?" she asked suspiciously.

"No!" They both answered.

"In fact," Luke said, "Maybe we'll go get ice cream when we get done!" (Are you trying to bribe your niece Luke?)

"Let's just not tell your Mom about this, okay?" Han asked. (Bad Han! Bad Luke!)

Jaina gave them another suspicious look before asking.

"Chocolate ice cream with lots of chocolate syrup and sprinkles?" she asked. (Luke the chocolate freak has had a negative influence on his niece.)

"Yes!" The two men shouted. Jaina wiped her tears and grinned.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

"I'm impressed Calrissian, it took you only thirteen minutes to get here," Karrde said in surprise. The other man smile dazzingly at him.

"Trade secret," Lando grinned.

"Bribery?"

"What else?" Lando asked. "So what'd I miss?"

"I'm not at liberty to say," Karrde answered. Lando pulled two of his best wines out of his briefcase.

"Solo and Skywalker just tried to kill each other," he answered.

"Really?"

"Almost."

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Our three heroes stood silently in front of the clothing store. It looked respectable enough. Han and Luke looked back up at the sign.

**Jabba's Fashion Mart.**

"Well that's a name turn off if I know one," Han quipped.

"Uh Han...I think we should skip this one," Luke said.

"Good idea," the older man agreed.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

"Jabba's Fashion Mart?" Lando asked.

"Must be one of those plus-sized clothing stores," Karrde said.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

**"What the hell is this?"** Luke asked. (Language Luke, language.) Han threw back his head and laughed hysterically. Jedi Master Skywalker glared indignantly at the lingerie store in front of them. (Just how many lingerie stores are there?)

**The Sexy Knights**

Luke glared at the printed pink and purple lightsabers that decorated the sign.

**"CENSORE CENSORE CENSORE!"** he yelled in outrage. (Censored again by the Coruscant Safety Commission.)

"Leia needs to shop here!" Han snickered. Jaina groaned as Luke glared at her father. The invisible forms of Obi-wan and Anakin also glared at the store.

_**"Blasphemy!"**_ Obi-wan shouted. (No one except Anakin can hear you Obi-wan.)

_"Padme should shop here,"_ Anakin added thoughtfully. (Wishful thinking Ani.)

"Maybe we should move on," Han said quickly. (Good thinking Han, Luke looks ready to burn the place down.)

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

"I'll bet you a drink that Luke tries to burn it later,"

"Two drinks says that Mara will burn it first," Karrde smirked back.

"Mara?" Lando asked warily. He looked at Karrde for a moment before understanding dawned on him.

"Ah hell..." he muttered. Karrde grinned at him before taking a swig of some blue wine.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Mara Jade glared at the lingerie store in front of her.

**The Sexy Knights.**

_Note to self,_ she thought, _I must torch this place before the night is over._

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Our three heroes (and their two invisible companions) stared up at the next store. It appeared to be harmless.

"Old Republic Fashions," Han said. "This looks harmless enough. You want to try it Kid" Luke sighed to himself.

"Do I have a choice?"

"Nope."

"I think the Force is against me today," he groaned. (Just wait Luke, just wait.)


	6. Step 2, Finding a Bra

**Hey Dad...**

**Chptom. 6: Step 2, Finding a Bra**

Let's briefly review the events of our story thus far:

**A.** Jaina Solo discovers that she has reached that awkward stage of female puberty.  
**B.** Han Solo is thrown head first into any male's nightmare.  
**C.** Chewbacca wisely escapes with Jacen and Mara Jade "declines" to help.  
**D.** Enter Talon Karrde, the information extraordinare.  
**E.** Luke Skywalker is blackmailed on account of an unfortunate drunken incident.  
**F.** Tampons, pads, and condoms G. Enter Lando Calrissian H. Beware of lingerie stores I. Obi-wan and Anakin tag along.  
**J.** Jabba's Fashion Mart?  
**K.** The Sexy Knights (A must see shopping experience for any Jedi Knight)  
**L.** Our heroes have now entered Old Republic Fashions...

Han and Luke stared at the women's section from behind a conveniently placed rack of shoes. Jaina fidgeted impatiently at their side as they debated on a battle strategy. Obi-wan simply shook his head at them while Anakin amused himself by wondering which shoes Padme would like best. (He rather liked a pair of red high-heeled boots, but somehow doubted that she would ever have worn them.)

"Okay, so now what Oh Fearless Leader?" Luke asked sarcastically.

"First, number one," Han said, "I am not fearless right now. I have plenty of fear. And number two, we need a disguise." Luke gave him a dumb look.

"Disguise?" he asked flatly.

"Yeah, you know, use one of your Force illusions!" The Jedi Master in Luke briefly took control of the embarrassed farm boy.

"Han, no."

"Why not?"

"Number one, a Jedi can't use the Force for a trivial personal problem, and number two, I'm trying to cut down on my use of the Force to solve every problem."

"And number three, this humiliating experience will make us grow, right?" Han asked sarcastically.

"Let's hope."

Han grumbled for a long moment as he and Luke stared at the women's section again. Jaina sighed and began playing with the shoes in front of her. She accidentally knocked down the pair of shoes that her grandfather had been admiring. Han cast one glance and them and smirked.

"Those look like hooker boots," he cracked. (Anakin! For shame!) Anakin gave his son-in-law a moody look. (Well you can't really fault him I guess, Anakin wouldn't know what hookers wear.)

Obi-wan leaned over and whispered to a scowling Anakin.

_"I don't think they're your size."_

Anakin simply glared back at his former master, not being able to come up with a smart remark.

"Come on Kid!" Han interrupted the two dead Jedi. "Just this once?"

"No," Luke said flatly.

"Okay then, tomorrow every tabloid will be showing a picture of Han Solo and Jedi Master Luke Skywalker in the bra and panty section of this stupid bantha infested store." (Bantha infested?)

Luke's eyes widened slightly as he thought about that. Han had a good point. However, he was a Jedi Master first...

"If,_ if_ I do this, what kind of disguise were you thinking of?"

"Oh, I don't know, I'd kind of figured that you could disguise yourself as a woman. It'd look kinda funny for a man to be in there," Han replied nonchalantly.

"WHAT!" Luke glared at the Corellian. No way in hell was he...

"How about YOU go as the woman?" he asked. His dead father glared hard at the two younger men before him before finally yelling.

_"NO SON OR SON-IN-LAW OF MINE IS GOING TO CROSSDRESS!"_ He bellowed. Even though Luke and Han couldn't hear Ani, they both suddenly felt a shiver run up their spine. Obi-wan silently agreed with the now irate Skywalker.

"Uh...maybe we shouldn't do that," Han amended. "I've suddenly got a bad feeling about it."

_"DAMN RIGHT YOU SHOULD!"_ Anakin yelled. (Anger is for the Dark Side Ani.)

"So...now what?" Han asked. Luke gave a huge sigh before staring bleakly at a row of white lacy bras.

"We go."

"As ourselves?"

"Unfortunately yes."

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Karrde and Lando were hanging onto their chairs for support as they laughed hysterically. They had heard every word that had passed between our unfortunate duo.

"They...were going to go as women?" Lando gasped between laughs.

"Too bad they decided not to!" Karrde laughed. "That would have been perfect blackmail!"

"You're recording this, aren't you Ghent?" they asked. Ghent gave a slightly embarrassed smile to the (slightly) inebriated Karrde and Calrissian.

"Yes," he answered.

"So far, this has been a very good day," Karrde chuckled. Lando took another drink of wine. He smelled profits in the air.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Our two reluctant heroes and a very reluctant twelve-year old girl stared wide eyed around them. Row upon row upon row of bras and panties met their eye. It was if they had entered an estrogen Twilight zone.

"Whoa..." Luke muttered. Both he and Han were at a loss at where to start. Obi-wan and Anakin again thanked the Force that they never had to deal with anything like this.

A farmboy blush grew across Luke's face as he stared at a large D cup in front of him. Anakin took this opportunity to get Obi-wan back for his earlier remark.

_"I don't think it's your size Master,"_ he said. Obi-wan glared back at him. The old man pushed down the impulse to shake his fist at the former Sith.

_"Insolent Padawan..."_

_"Insolent Former Padawan,"_ Anakin corrected. Obi-wan grumbled incoherently to himself. (I guess even dead Jedi don't really grow up.)

As a desperate Han and Luke looked around them with sinking hope, two things happened that made them sweat.

**1.** A very well-endowed Twi'lek saleswoman (in a tight fitting, low cut blouse) had spotted them and was heading their way.  
**2.** Luke suddenly sensed that Mara Jade was in the store.

Oh dear oh dear, what's going to happen now?

_"FOR THE LAST TIME ANAKIN, I WAS NOT STARING DOWN HER SHIRT!"_

Oh dear.


	7. Step 3, Watch out for Crazy Women

**Hey Dad...**

**Chpt. 7: Step 3, Watch out for Crazy Women**

"Aw hell..." Han swore. He and Luke stared wide eyed at the Twi'lek woman heading their way. An approaching presence suddenly registered in Luke's mind.

"Aw hell..." The Jedi swore. Han swung over to his brother-in-law.

"What?" Han demanded.

"Mara," Luke answered weakly. The Corellian stared at Luke, then at the fastly approaching saleswoman and back at Luke.

"The Force hates us today," Han finally mumbled. (I can't argue with you there Han.) Luke moaned softly to himself. Jaina hid unsuccessfully behind a rack of pink bras. Anakin and Obi-wan shook their heads quietly.

_"This can not go well,"_ Obi-wan mused. _"Thank the Force we're dead."_

_"Master?"_ Anakin asked. The older Jedi raised an eyebrow.

_"What?" _he asked.

_"Let's just say that if some cosmic event had caused things to turn out differently and I was in Han's place with Leia..."_

_"Yes?"_ Obi-wan asked.

_"Then I'd have made sure you were in Luke's place,"_ Ani finished evilly. (Leia should thank the Force that this never happened.) Obi-wan glared at him before turning away from his former Padawan.

_"Master,"_ Ani said. _"You're looking down her shirt again."_

_"I'M NOT STARING DOWN HER SHIRT!"_

_"Jedi aren't supposed to lie Master."_

**_"ANAKIN!"_** Obi-wan bellowed. Anakin snickered as the Jedi Master slowly trailed off when the Twi'lek bent in a polite bow in front of the gaping Han and Luke. The former Sith quirked his mouth wryly as he poked his master.

_"Master?"_ he asked in amusement. Obi-wan suddenly shook himself, even going as far as to smack his head.

_"Impure thoughts!"_ Obi-wan shouted. Anakin couldn't hold it in anymore, he had to sit down from laughing so hard. The Jedi Master glared at him. (This is your own fault Obi-wan.) Obi-wan crossed his arms with a grumble, but found that he couldn't come up with a reply.

As Obi-wan faced the horrible truth that he had, in fact, been staring, our three heroes faced the Twi'lek onslaught head on.

"Good afternoon gentlemen, my name is Vosha Varida, how may I be of service?" the Twi'lek asked cheerfully. Her tightly fitting white blouse didn't leave much to the imagination and her short skirt didn't help matters either. Han glared over at Luke. _Close your mouth Kid!_ he yelled in his mind. Luke gave a shudder and closed his gaping mouth.

_It's not my fault!_ he yelled back in Han's mind. If Han hadn't been in their current situation, he would have laughed at Luke. But since he wasn't...

Han shoved a silent Jaina in front of him as a barrier from Vosha Varida.

"Her! We're here for her!" Han practically yelled.

"I have a name," Jaina grumbled. The Twi'lek bent down again to study the young girl. Luke covered his eyes to block the view. (You should take lessons Obi-wan.) Finally finished with her brief examination, Vosha Varida stood up again.

"Isn't she...a little young to be needing a bra?" she asked hesitantly. Han finally exploded.

**"HOW THE HELL SHOULD I KNOW?"**

Luckily for our heroes, Luke managed to retain a (tiny) slip of sanity.

"Humans, especially females, reach puberty faster than Twi'leks," Luke explained. The saleswoman stood there for a moment before smiling cheerfully.

"That's right!" she exclaimed. "I forgot all about that! They explained that to us in our training seminar!"

"So," Luke started. "You know which uh...bras Jaina will need?"

"Nope, I just started yesterday! But how hard can it be?" she asked with that same (damnable) cheerfulness. Han, Luke, and Jaina groaned.

Not to be deterred, _Old Republic Fashions'_ s newest employee set boldly out to find a bra for young Jaina Solo.

"How about this one?" she asked cheerfully. The Twi'lek held up a C cup.

"Um..." Han said, "Are you sure you know what you're doing?"

"Of course I do!" Vosha answered huffly. "Now how about this one?" She held up a pink B cup. Han had to force his fingers away from the hidden blaster in his jacket. He didn't think _Old Republic Fashions_ would appreciate him murdering one of their employees.

"Personally I like this one!" she chirped as she held up another lacy C cup. Han's fingers twitched. Maybe they wouldn't miss just one employee.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Lando gave a low whistle as Karrde emptied one of the wine bottles.

"She looks like one of Jabba's dancers," he muttered. Karrde peered down the empty wine bottle and shook it for one last drop.

"Think we should feel sorry for Solo?" Karrde asked. They both looked at each other then before laughing.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

"Skywalker!"

Luke jumped at the sight of the red-haired, green eyed apparition. First the Twi'lek, and now HER!

"Mara," Luke squeaked. The former Emporer's Hand smirked at the red faced Skywalker and Solo. Poor Jaina, she really did feel sorry for the girl. However, it could be worse. She'd had to tell a Sith when her puberty had hit. An anxious Palpatine had rushed her off to a female medic when her time had come. That had been humiliating.

Luke looked around him and saw that he'd been cornered between two racks of underwear. He looked beseechingly at Han, but the Corellian was to busy trying not to kill the saleswoman. The Jedi Master looked back at the red head and knew he was doomed.

Mara looked around her for inspiration. How best to torment Skywalker? Ah, yes.

An evil grin spread across her face as she grabbed a silky, lace trimmed red bra from a rack and held it up to her chest.

"Do you think this is my size Skywalker?" she asked innocently. Luke's eyes seemed to pop out as a farmboy blush suddenly reddened his face.

"No!" he yelled. Mara raised an eyebrow.

"No? You mean I need a bigger size then?"

"No! I mean..." he stammered. Mara narrowed her eyes at him.

"Are you saying I'm_ small_ Skywalker?" A strangled sound escaped the Jedi Master's throat.

"NO! NO!"

"No? You like my chest the way it is?" Mara asked slyly.

Luke stared silently as his mouth gaped wordlessly open. Then he croaked a high pitched 'No' as Mara continued ruthlessly onward.

"Is it the color? You know, you're absolutely right Skywalker, how about this white one with the red hearts? It's got a nice lacy thong to go with it..."

Mara Jade smirked evilly as a red faced Luke turned tail and ran in the opposite direction. That had been priceless. This had better be in Karrde's recording. She wanted a copy for herself.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

**"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAAAAA!"**

Tears were rolling down Karrde and Lando's faces.

"Calrissian," Karrde finally gasped after a minute.

"What?" Lando gasped back.

"I'm going to buy those bras and send them to Skywalker!"

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

"DAMMIT WOMAN! EVEN I CAN TELL THESE WON'T FIT HER!" Han roared. He threw a red bra back on the shelf. Jaina wished she could crawl into a tiny hole. Vosha Varida huffed angrily as she glared at the irate Corellian.

"I'M THE SALEWOMAN! I DO KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!" she shouted back.

**"LIKE HELL YOU DO!"**

Jaina slipped between the arguing pair and ran around the corner. Luke bumped into her as he was trying to escape Mara.

"Uncle Luke!" Jaina wailed.

Luke pushed her in front of him for defense just as Mara Jade rounded the corner. (Bad Luke!) Mara stood there and stared at him before shaking her head.

"Skywalker, you and Solo really need to grow up."

Luke sputtered at that before pointing out that he _was_ a Jedi Master. Mara raised an eyebrow at him before pointing to her left. Maybe she should actually help Jaina out a little bit.

"Jaina, go that way." Mara pointed to her left. "The smaller sizes are over there." There, that should do it. Now no one couldn't say that she didn't do her civil duty for the day. Jaina raced off in the direction of Mara's pointing finger.

Luke started to run after her, but Mara stepped in front of him with a smirk.

"I'm not done with you yet Skywalker."

Luke gulped.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Obi-wan and Anakin stared at the fuming Han, then at the red faced Luke, and finally at the escaping twelve-year old Jaina.

_"Oh dear,"_ Obi-wan muttered.

_"They definitely need some female guidance,"_ Anakin finally said. His master folded his arms and raised an eyebrow.

_"Perhaps you should bring Padme or your mother here?"_ he suggested. Ani thought a moment before shaking his head.

_"I'll think about it, but I'm not sure how much good it would do. It would be harder to use the Force to let them communicate with Jaina than if it was just us talking to her."_

Obi-wan nodded sagely before Anakin poked him again.

_"You're staring again Master,"_ Ani whispered.

**_"I AM NOT STARING YOU INFERNAL PADAWAN!"_**

**Meanwhile:**

_"Please,"_ the dead woman begged. The equally dead man shook his head no. The dead woman placed her hands on her hips as she glared up at the stubborn Jedi Master. Two other women crossed their arms and also glared at the dead Jedi.

Qui-Gon Jin knew he was outnumbered. Padme, Beru Lars, and Shmi Skywalker continued to glare at him.

_"Please,"_ Padme continued. _"All I want you to do is make sure that Ani and Obi-wan aren't doing anything stupid."_

_"And of course, possibly lend a hand to your son, son-in-law, and granddaughter, correct?"_ he asked dryly. The three women smiled innocently at him and he sighed.

Qui-Gon silently cursed his former Padawans. Leave it to Obi-wan and Anakin to cause him trouble.

_"Very well,"_ he reluctantly agreed. _"I'll go keep an eye on them."_

Uh oh.


	8. Step 4, Don't Shoot the Help!

**Hey Dad...**

**Chpt. 8: Step 4, Don't Shoot the Help!**

Han's fingers itched. Han's fingers itched really really bad.

This was no ordinary itch. No, you see, it was the driving itch to pull out his blaster and murder the crazed, voluptuous blue skinned Twi'lek in front of him.

"This one is simply adorable!" Vosha Varida exclaimed as she pulled out a velvet green bra. Twitch. Han stuck his fist behind his back and willed it not to strangle her.

"I. Don't. Think. That's. Her. Size," Han forced out through gritted teeth. The Twi'lek stared at him and then down at the bra in her hand.

"Oh my!" She cried. "I was looking at this for me!" Han couldn't hold it in anymore.

"I'M SHOPPING FOR MY TWELVE-YEAR OLD DAUGHTER YOU JABBA'S DANCER REJECT!"

"Well I'm sorry...!"

"ISN'T THERE SOME FORM OF SLIGHTLY INTELLIGENT SENTIENT LIFE IN HERE THAT CAN HELP ME?"

"I AM HELPING YOU...YOU...YOU RANCOR'S ASS!"

"WHAT'D THE HELL DID YOU CALL ME?"

"YOU CALLED ME A JABBA'S DANCER REJECT!"

"DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHO JABBA IS YOU BANTHA BRAINED TWIT?"

_"Umm, Master, perhaps we should calm them down,"_ Anakin suggested.

_"Agreed,"_ Obi-wan said. The two dead Jedi reached out with the Force to touch the minds of the infuriated duo. Being dead actually made it a bit easier to touch their minds. They immediately calmed down. (Mostly.)

Han and the saleswoman each took several ragged breaths as they glared at each other.

_"At least they're not trying to murder each other anymore,"_ Obi-wan said.

_"You're looking again Master,"_ Anakin said.

_"SILENCE!"_ Obi-wan yelled. The former Sith smirked at his fuming master. This was fun.

Han continued to glare at the saleswoman, but for some reason he felt much calmer. He suspected that the Force was involved, but that wasn't possible. Last time he'd seen Luke, he'd been running away from Mara Jade. Wait a minute. Luke had been...

Where the hell was Luke? He was supposed to be helping him! That damned Jedi was going to catch Hell when he came back. Stupid son of a...

The Corellian suddenly looked around him in a panic as he realized that Jaina was missing as well. Where the hell had that child run off to now?

"JAINA!" Han yelled. He received no answer.

Sithspawn. Now he had to track down TWO run away Jedi.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Luke didn't dare to glance behind him as he rounded a corner. Left turn, right turn, another left turn, circle around...nope...Mara was still behind him. Damn. As if it would be that easy to escape from a force-sensitive former assassin.

The Jedi Master dashed behind a rack of women's swimming suits and...hey that one's shiny! (Are you usually this easily distracted Luke?)

"Skywalker!"

Luke peeled his eyes away from the shiny blue bikini and raced around the corner...

And somehow ended up in the middle of the lingerie section.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

"Calrissian, this has been a good day," Karrde said.

"Oh yes indeed," Lando agreed. "In fact, as long as you're going to buy those two bras for Luke, I think I'll buy him that shiny blue bikini he seemed to admire so much."

"Skywalker is going to hate us."

"Hate is for the Dark Side, remember?"

The two, still slightly inebriated (drunken) men turned their attention back to the screen. Since Jaina, Han, and Luke had separated, the only way to watch all three of them was to have three separate boxes up on the single screen of the _Wild Karrde's_ bridge.

"Umm, Karrde?" Ghent asked.

"Eh?"

"Bel Iblis is on the com. He wants to know what the hell I'm doing," he said. Karrde and Lando looked at each other for a long moment. Leave it to Bel Iblis to ruin their fun.

"Send him the clip of Skywalker and Mara in the bra section. That should distract him for a little while," Karrde said. "Tell him I won't even charge him for it." Ghent flashed him a look of disbelief before he sent the clip. Thirty seconds later...

"Bel Iblis is laughing his ass off," Ghent said.

"Heh heh, ask him if he can turn his head for a little while longer," Karrde ordered. There was a pause as Ghent spoke into the comlink.

"He said, 'Turn his head from what?', he didn't see anything."

"Good, that's surprising..."

"Provided that he receive a copy of this once we're finished," Ghent finished. Karrde glared at the comlink and then waved Ghent off. If that was the price for not being forced to quit, then so be it.

"Sure, tell him we have a deal," he said. Lando leaned over as Ghent was speaking into the comlink again.

"Han and Luke are going to kill us," he whispered.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

The Jedi Master's eyes widened into giant blue orbs as a farmboy blush warmed both cheeks.

Luke's mouth dropped slightly open as his eyes trailed up the scantily clad figure of a red haired mannequin. With just a little imagination, it looked a lot like Mara.

He raised his palm and gave himself a good whack to the head. He needed to get out of here. Fast.

Luke picked a random direction and fled as fast as he could.

As Luke fled, the invisible forms of Anakin Skywalker and Obi-wan Kenobi looked at each other.

_"He's **your** son,"_ Obi-wan accused.

_"**You** were his first teacher,"_ Anakin shot back.

_"He's got the raging hormones of his father,"_ the older man said. Anakin raised an eyebrow._ "Maybe not,"_ Obi-wan assented. _"That_ _would actually be your daughter."_ A long silence passed until Anakin finally spoke up.

_"Though, that is a lovely...piece of clothing, isn't it Master?"_ he asked. (Are you thinking about Padme, Ani?) He and Obi-wan tilted their 'heads' as they studied the green, white trimmed lacy, ah...dress. (For lack of a better word. It's actually very skimpy, and, ah, very see through.) The two dead Jedi continued to eye the same mannequin that had drawn Luke's attention until...

**WHAM!**

Obi-wan and Anakin both yelped as Qui-Gon stuck his head between them. His two former padawans rubbed their heads and cast a glare at him. But before they could begin to yell, Qui-Gon put on his sternest face.

_"So THIS is what you two do when I'm not around. Pity, I would have expected better,"_ he said. The two younger men looked abashed, especially Obi-wan. Anakin couldn't resist pointing an accusing finger at his mentor.

_"Master Kenobi keeps looking down women's shirts!"_ he exclaimed.

_"ANAKIN!"_ Obi-wan roared.

_"I think Master Kenobi needs a girlfriend Master Jinn,"_ Ani contined relentlessly. _"Padme's got several nice, unmarried dead cousins that..."_

As a red faced Obi-wan shook his fist at Anakin, Qui-Gon rubbed his forehead.

_Force,_ he pleaded, _Give me strength._

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Padme, Beru, and Shmi eyed each other worriedly.

_"Do you think they'll be all right?"_ Shmi asked.

_"Who, the dead ones or the living ones?"_ Padme asked.

_"I hope Luke is okay,"_ Beru said. (Nope, sorry Aunt Beru, but Luke is most definitely NOT okay.)

_"That boy had better stay out of trouble,"_ Owen Lars growled. (Gah! It's Uncle Owen!)

_"I'm sure everything will be okay dear,"_ Beru soothed. (Umm...sure it will...)

The dead group looked at each other worriedly for another moment before Owen exploded.

_**"THOSE DEAD JEDI HAD BETTER STAY OUT OF TROUBLE! I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE GONE WITH THEM!"**_ (What exactly would YOU do Owen?)

Padme gave a sniff as she took charge. Anakin and Obi-wan had better not screw up, or they'd get an earful when they returned. Poor poor Jaina. How she pitied her only granddaughter.

_"Don't worry,"_ Padme said calmly. _"If things don't look better, I'll just force Ani to take us there himself!"_

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Jaina gulped as she stared at the rack of bras in front of her. She didn't even know where to start. If only her mother or Winter were here. Or even C-3PO. He'd probably have been better help than her dad and uncle.

The twelve-year old began walking along the rack and grabbing bras at random. Between her father's power of luck and her mother's power of the Force, surely she'd grabbed at least ONE that fit her. Right?

Yeah sure, wishful thinking Jaina.


	9. Step 5, Chasing Jedi

**Hey Dad...**

**Chpt. 9: Step 5, Chasing Jedi**

Mara pushed down the impulse to force lift all of the lingerie items off the racks and dump them on Skywalker. That would childish. Funny, but childish.

But still, the idea had merit...

"Ahhhh!" Luke yelled.

So sue her for being childish.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

_"You can uncover your eyes now Anakin,"_ Qui-Gon said.

_"He's not my son,"_ Anakin moaned.

_"I can't wait to tell your wife about this,"_ Obi-wan laughed. Anakin covered his eyes again and shook his head. Qui-Gon arched an eyebrow in barely contained amusement as Luke untangled himself from the clothing...items and shot out of the lingerie section.

That kid could really run fast when he wanted to.

Qui-Gon shook his head at the chaotic mess in Luke's wake. The Jedi Council was going to have a fit when they found out about her stunt. Master Yoda was already of the belief that Mara Jade needed a good whack to the rear end. As he imagined an irate Yoda swinging his staff at the red head, the dead Jedi Master's thoughts were interrupted suddenly by the arrival of a stunned Han Solo.

"What the hell...LUKE! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?"

Han gaped around him as the Twi'lek saleswoman screamed in horror at the heaps of strewn lingerie items. (I wonder what Leia will say when she finds out about all of this.)

_"Anakin, I think it's time we bring Padme here,"_ Obi-wan suggested. Anakin closed his eyes and moaned. He was going to catch hell for this.

_"Obi-wan,"_ Qui-Gon said.

_"Yes Master?"_ Obi-wan asked.

_"Isn't it impolite to stare at a woman's..er...PADAWAN! CLOSE YOUR EYES!"_

_"Yes Master,"_ he said meekly.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Jaina stared dejectedly down at the pile of bras at her feet. All of them were too big, and some felt weird. She picked up one marked _'The_ _Miracle Push-Up.'_ Sigh.

The young Solo tossed the push-up bra behind her. Apparently the Force and the infamous Solo luck were against her today. She made a mental note to be extra nice to her mother when she returned.

She vowed that someday there would be a day of reckoning for her father and uncle. Oh yes, someday...

On second thought, telling her mother every detail might...oh wait, damn. Uncle Luke and Dad had promised her ice cream if she kept her mouth shut.

Decisions decisions. (Oh come on Jaina, it's not like your mom won't find out anyway!)

Jaina tossed another bra behind her before venturing out off the dressing room. She didn't care about the ice cream anymore. She just wanted to GO HOME!

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_**"LUKE WHAT?"**_ Owen Lars yelled. Anakin winced. Luke's incident with the lingerie seemed to have struck a nerve with his dead step-brother, because his next words were:

_**"I'M GOING TO BELT MARA JADE!"**_ he bellowed. (Oh boy Mara, you'd better watch out. Owen seems a tad upset.)

_"Hush dear,"_ Beru tried to calm her irate husband. But Owen was still threatening to turn the red head over his knee and belt her. (Umm, Owen? You're dead.)

_"Anakin! I told you to keep things from getting out of hand!"_ Padme yelled as she glared at her husband. _"Who's with Jaina?"_

_"Um...she's by herself,"_ Anakin answered meekly.

_**"ANAKIN!"**_

Anakin gulped as he took a step back. He refrained from telling her that there wasn't much he could have done, as she wasn't in the mood. (Yes, making fun of Obi-wan sure cuts into the day, doesn't it Ani?).

_"Anakin,"_ Shmi admonished as she crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow at her son. Anakin knew he was in trouble. He only got that look when he did something stupid.

_"It wasn't my fault Mom! I couldn't do anything!"_ he protested. (Again, making fun of Obi-wan.)

_"Ani..."_

The three dead women (aka, Beru, Padme, and Shmi) crossed their arms and gave Anakin an identical glare. Anakin moaned inwardly. Why had he used death commandos as Darth Vader when he could have just hired an army of angry estrogen charged females?

_"Anakin, take us there,"_ Padme commanded. She looked around at the whole group. _"Take all of us."_

Gulp.

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"KID! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?" Han yelled. A red faced Luke waved his hands in front of him.

"I DIDN'T DO IT! MARA DID!"

"KID! YOU TWO TRASHED THE LINGERIE SECTION! THE EMPLOYEES ARE GOING NUTS!"

"I DIDN'T DO IT!"

"DAMMIT LUKE! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE HELPING ME!"

"CAN I HELP IT IF I WAS BEING CHASED BY A RED HAIRED DESPOT?"

**"SKYWALKER!"** (Oops, Mara heard you Luke.)

Luke jumped at the sound of her voice and tried to escape yet again. Unfortunately for him, Han had his Jedi cloak in a vice like grip.

"HAN! LET GO!"

"NO! WE'VE GOT TO FIND JAINA!"

"HAN..."

"IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP I'LL TELL MARA ABOUT..." Han didn't have to finish his threat. What ever this new blackmail was going to be, we shall never find out. Luke hastily ran in the direction of Jaina's presence.

"Jaina's over here!" Luke shouted. He and Han took off toward the ladies dressing rooms as Mara laughed evilly. (Palpatine would be proud.)

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Obi-wan forced himself to look at an advertisement for acne cream. This behavior of his was so irrational. The Jedi Master didn't understand why...

**NO!** He won't look.

He watched as Qui-Gon shook his head at the devasted lingerie section. Vosha Varida was busy squawking at the mess of discarded clothing items. The Twi-lek was shaking her fists angrily in the direction of Han and Luke and...

**NO! HE WILL NOT LOOK!**

Where was Anakin and Padme? They should be here by now. Let's see...

Peek.

_"Obi-wan!"_ Qui-Gon yelled.

Damn. He looked.

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"Hey Calrissian, add red thongs to your list," Karrde said.

"It's already on there," Lando answered. Ghent shook his head as he pretended not to hear. Karrde and Calrissian had decided to make a list of items to buy for Master Skywalker.

"Wait, I've got it!" Karrde yelled. (Oh dear.)

"What?" Lando asked.

"You remember that red haired mannequin? The one that looked like Mara?"

"Yeah..."

"I'm going to buy it!" he yelled triumphantly. (I think you guys need to lay off the alcohol.)

"Luke's going to kill us," Lando smirked.

"Yes, well, onto our next list."

"Next list?"

"Of course!" Karrde exclaimed. "We still have to shop for Solo!"

To quote our favorite ex-smuggler, I have a very bad feeling about this.


	10. Step 6, Jedi Mind Trick!

**Hey Dad...**

**Chpt. 10: Step 6, Jedi Mind Trick!**

Jaina had the oddest feeling that she wasn't alone. Everytime that she reached for a bra, it felt like she received a slap to the hand. This was certainly strange.

Oh well.

She reached for another one and this time she actually heard a voice.

_"No!"_

Huh?

Jaina looked around and jumped when she saw the barely visible form of Padme and a very embarrassed Anakin standing next to her.

"Uh, who are you?" Jaina asked.

_"I'm your grandmother,"_ Padme answered. As Jaina continued to give her a blank look, Anakin tried to sneak away. Unfortunately for him, his wife grabbed a hold of his Jedi cloak and pulled him back.

_"And this is your grandfather,"_ the ex-Queen finished with obvious delight. Anakin flushed. Damn, he wanted to escape. (Sorry Ani.)

Jaina continued to give them a blank look.

"Uh...why are you here?" she asked in disbelief.

_"I...we're here to help you of course!"_ Padme said firmly. _"Right Ani?"_ She cast a glare to the red faced Skywalker. At another glare from his wife, Anakin nodded meekly.

Jaina pinched herself to see if she was hallucinating. Nope. Damn, this was definitely on top of her _'Strangest Things to Happen to Me'_ list.

She also doubted that anyone would believe her.

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The last time we had left Luke and Han, they were on their way to 'rescue' the bewildered Jaina. However, our two heroes met with an unexpected delay:

"HEY! YOU!"

And no, it wasn't Mara.

"STOP THEM!"

It was Vosha Varida, the blue Twi'lek saleswoman from the deepest depths of the five Corellian hells.

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"

Luke and Han took off in the opposite direction. The two would be heroes hid behind a Bothan mannequin. (Somehow they ended up in the Bothan clothing section.) Unknown to them, a very familiar but unwelcome face just happened to be shopping in the men's sections.

Borsk Fey'lya.

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_"You hormonally crazed Old Man!"_ Owen yelled.

_"Owen, please,"_ Beru pleaded. Undeterred, the dead Owen Lars shook his fist at Obi-wan Kenobi. Obi-wan schooled his face in what he hoped was his _'I'm a Jedi Master'_ face. Qui-Gon stood nonchalantly off to the side with Shmi as Obi-wan and Owen continued to face off.

_"I have no idea what you are talking about,"_ Obi-wan said calmly. Owen shook a fist at him before pointing an accusing finger in the direction of a certain blue-skinned woman.

_"No idea! NO IDEA? YOU'VE BEEN GAWKING AT THAT WOMAN LIKE..."_

_"IT'S NOT MY FAULT!"_ Obi-wan finally exploded. _"THERE SEEMS TO BE SOME KINETIC ATTRACTION BEYOND MY_ _CONTROL!"_ (Kinetic attraction?)

_"Yes, it's called hormones,"_ Qui-Gon muttered.

_"IT'S NOT MY FAULT!"_ Obi-wan persisted. (Someone's having a breakdown.)

_"How is it possible to have hormones if he's dead?"_ Shmi wondered.

_"With Obi-wan, only the Force can tell,"_ Qui-Gon answered sagely.

_"MASTER!"_ his former Padawan yelled.

_"And yet,"_ the dead Jedi master continued,_ "Sometimes even the Force can not tell."_

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A stunned Han and Luke gaped at the Bothan.

An equally stunned Borsk Fey'lya stared back.

Luke and Han considered their options:

**1.** _Run like Hell.  
_**2.** _Bribe him.  
_**3.** _Run like Hell.  
_**4.** _They drew a mind blank here.  
_**5.** _Use a Jedi Mind trick.  
_**6.** _Run like Hell._

Which one did they try first? Well...

"Luke! Use a Jedi Mind trick!"

"On a Senator?" Luke asked in disbelief.

The Bothan had recovered enough by this time to smirk evilly at the pair of dismayed humans.

"Ah, such a surprise gentlemen. What brings you to this...establishment?" he asked smoothly.

"Luke!" Han yelled. "Jedi Mind trick! Now!"

"Do you know how hard it is to do one on a Bothan?" Luke yelled back.

"LUKE!"

Luke waved his hand in front of the amused Bothan.

"You will forget," he intoned.

"No I won't," Borsk said. (Uh oh.)

Luke waved his hand again.

"You WILL forget!"

Borsk Fey'yla arched an eyebrow at the pair. This might be good blackmail. Luke waved his hand again, only this time a drop of sweat fell down his face. Luke opened his mouth calmly.

"Forget dammit! Forget!" he yelled. (Luke!)

Fortunately for our heroes, this somehow worked. Sort of.

"Who am I?" Borsk Fey'yla asked in a daze. Luke and Han gave each other an _'Ah hell!'_ look and dashed off in the other direction.

The temporarily amnesiac Bothan scratched his head in confusion and followed after the escaping pair.

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"Karrde?" Lando asked.

"Eh?"

"Did Luke just mind wipe a Senator?"

"It would appear so," Karrde answered.

"Just checking."

"The price of this recording just keeps going up," Karrde cackled gleefully. He rubbed his hands together in anticipation. Then he stopped as a thought occurred to him.

"Calrissian, where's Mara?"

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Mara Jade glared up at the red-haired mannequin in the lingerie section. (The one that Luke admired.)

It looked like her.

IT LOOKED LIKE HER!

Snap. Hiss.

The red-haired mannequin met a cruel fate at the hands of a lightsaber wielding Mara Jade.

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"Hey Mom, Dad's sure going to be surprised that we're home early!" Anakin exclaimed.

"Yes," Leia agreed. The negotations had ended faster than anticipated. They should be home in a matter of days. Only one thing was faintly disturbing her.

She felt a disturbance in the Force.

And that disturbance was Luke and Han.

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"Hey Grandma, are you sure these are the right ones?" Jaina asked. She held up a pair of bras in front of her. A crimson faced Anakin was staring in the opposite direction. Bra shopping with his twelve-year old granddaughter was not the profound experience he had been looking for.

_"Are we done yet?"_ Anakin asked impatiently. Padme glared at him and he shrunk back. Apparently the answer was no. The dead ex-Queen then smiled encouragingly back down at her grandchild.

_"Yes dear, now go try it on,"_ Padme said. Jaina gave her a doubtful look before walking back into the dressing room.

_"Okay, if you say so,"_ she grumbled. After she had trudged into the tiny cubicle and closed the door, Padme cast a glare at her husband.

_"She's as bad as you when it comes to shopping!"_ she accused. Anakin held up his hands defensively.

_"It's not my fault!"_ he protested. _"She gets it from her father!"_

_"And her grandfather!"_ she yelled. Anakin smiled innocently at her.

_"Perhaps dear, but remember, everything I know I learned from Obi-wan."_ (Oh, now THAT'S reassuring!)

Padme sighed and rubbed her forehead. Damn it, but he did have a point. But still...

_"Anakin..."_

Anakin gulped.

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"Calrissian?"

"What now?"

"Is Jaina talking to herself?" Karrde asked.

"Yes," Lando answered.

"I think the kid's gone nuts."

"She's half Solo and half Skywalker. It was bound to happen," Lando said.

"True," Karrde agreed. "Poor kid. Never had a chance."

"It actually could be worse," Lando suddenly said.

"Oh yeah? And how is that?"

"We could have little force-sensitive Karrde juniors running around."

"The universe will be doomed if that ever happens," Karrde said. Lando laughed as he pulled their lists back out.

"Karrde?" he asked.

"Eh?"

"I have an idea. Han and Luke don't stand a chance."

Oh dear, I believe I feel a disturbance in the Force.

**"HAHAHAHAAA! CALRISSIAN, YOU ARE A GENIUS!"**

Note to self, Karrde and Lando should never be allowed to combine alcohol with too much free time.

It can lead to bad things.


	11. Step 7, Run Very Fast

**Hey Dad...**

**Chpt. 11: Step 7, Run Very Fast**

_"Are we done yet?"_ Anakin whined. Padme glared at him for the umpteenth time. (She's already lost count.)

_"Anakin,"_ she warned. Anakin wisely shut up. He paced around impatiently as Jaina tried on yet another bra.

_"Padme, can I..."_

_"No,"_ she answered firmly. _"You can't go see what Obi-wan and Qui-Gon are doing."_

Damn. She was good.

Anakin continued his pacing until Jaina finally immerged from the dressing room. The young girl held up a single bra in front of her.

"I think this one fits Grandma," she said. Anakin pushed down the impulse to jump for joy. They were done! Now it was time to get out of this hell hole.

_"Very good Jaina,"_ Padme said. _"Now pick out a few more of the same size and we'll go find your father and uncle."_

"Okay!"

Anakin paused in his elation. Tracking down Han and Luke might prove to be a bit more difficult. Damn.

What the hell were those boys doing?

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"Luke! Tell him to go away!"

"YOU tell him to go away!"

"I'M not the one who mind wiped him!"

"It was YOUR idea to use a Jedi Mind trick!"

"Yeah? Who was the one who screwed it up?"

A very confused Borsk Fey'yla watched the arguing duo as they debated how to get rid of him. He couldn't remember anything. The Bothan didn't even know where he was or who these humans were. And so, not knowing what else to do, he had followed them.

"Leia's going to kill me!" Luke wailed.

"Why? She hates Fey'yla."

"Hate is for the Dar..."

"Okay, Fine! She really really dislikes Fey'yla!"

The Bothan scratched his head. Who was Fey'yla?

"Luke, can't you, you know, replace some of his memories?" Han asked.

"How the hell do you expect me to do that?"

"Well, uh...you're the Jedi Master! You tell me!" he yelled. Luke and Han stared at each other for a long moment before looking back at the Bothan. Fey'yla was now examining a woman's purse he'd found on a nearby rack. Han leaned over to whisper in Luke's ear.

"You know, this might be good for us that you wiped Fey'yla's memories."

"It was an accident!" Luke yelled. Han smothered Luke's mouth with his hand.

"Listen," Han whispered. "Maybe we can convince Fey'yla to be Leia's ally now."

"Convince? You mean by using the Force?"

"Well, yeah..."

"Han! That's unethical! That's what a Sith would do!"

"You just wiped his memories Kid!"

"It was an accident!" Luke protested. (Accident or not, you still did it.)

"Well, anyway, maybe we should..." Han started to say. We shall never know what his next idea was because...

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TWO DOING?" Mara yelled. Han and Luke jumped as the red head came charging up to them. But before she reached them, she spotted the Bothan out of the corner of her eye.

She stared at him.

An oblivious Fey'yla slung a pink purse over his shoulder.

"Is...that Fey'yla?" she asked in disbelief.

"Yeah, Luke mind wiped him," Han said. Mara stared at Luke in astonishment before looking back at the amnesiac Bothan. Then she stared back at Luke.

"SKYWALKER DID WHAT?"

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"This is getting interesting," Karrde remarked.

"Oh yes," Lando agreed. "Leia is the least of Luke's worries right now. The whole Bothan population is either going to want to thank him or kill him."

"Probably kill him," Karrde said. "Even the ones who hate Fey'yla would still side with him since he's a Bothan."

"Yeah, they would...HAHAHAHA!" Lando burst out laughing at the same time as Karrde. Mara was waving her hand in front of the very confused Bothan. They clearly heard her over the screen.

"_You mean I can torment Fey'yla and he won't know who I am?"_ Mara grinned. Luke waved his hands in dismay.

_"Mara! No! You can't!"_

Mara ignored him as she flopped a woman's sun hat on the Bothan's head. Then she proceed to tell the bewildered Bothan that it was the latest male fashion on his world.

"Calrissian?" Karrde asked.

"What?"

"That woman is evil."

"Yes, I know."

"Are we still recording Ghent?" Karrde asked. Ghent gave an irritated sigh. How many times was he going to get asked that?

"Yes sir," he said.

"Good," the two other men replied.

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Owen and Obi-wan continued to glare at each other. The Jedi Master and the moisture farmer each refused to give up.

_"I'M NOT SENILE!"_ Obi-wan raged. Owen shook his fists at the older man.

_"SURE LOOKS THAT WAY TO ME YOU PERVERTED OLD MAN!"_ he yelled. Obi-wan's face darkened.

_"Oh dear,"_ Shmi murmured. This was getting out of hand.

_"Yes, this is hardly the behavior of a Jedi Master,"_ Qui-Gon said.

_"Can you break them up?"_ Beru asked worriedly. The Jedi Master sighed heavily as he swooped in on the arguing pair.

**BAM! BAM!**

_"OOWWW!"_ the two younger men yelped. Shmi shook her head before raising a wry eyebrow at Qui-Gon.

_"Tell me Master Qui-Gon,"_ she asked dryly, _"Is the physical pounding of one's Padawan and a moisture farmer the typical behavior of a Jedi Master?"_

Qui-Gon glared at Obi-wan and Owen before answering just as dryly.

_"It is when one has to deal with Obi-wan and Owen,"_ he answered. The two men in question glared at him behind his back. Qui-Gon turned and raised an eyebrow at them.

_"Perhaps you two should go check on Mr. Solo and Anakin's son."_

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Jaina looked around her in dismay.

"Where's Dad and Uncle Luke?" she asked worriedly. She could feel them with the Force, but they always seemed to disappear once she arrived.

Padme glared at Anakin.

_"What?"_ he asked. _"This time it's not my fault!"_ The poor woman sighed as she looked down at the girl.

_"This time he's YOUR son Ani."_

_"Don't look at me! Owen raised him!"_

**Speaking of Owen...**

_"LUKE! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"_ Owen bellowed. (He can't hear you Owen.)

Luke was trying to stand between Fey'yla and a smirking Mara. The poor Bothan was currently wearing the woman's sunhat, a pink purse, and had a green scarf wrapped around his neck.

Mara had never played dress up as a child. She'd suddenly come to the conclusion that now was a good time to make up for it.

"No!" Luke protested. Unfortunately for him, Han had also become interested in the game.

"Hey!" Han exclaimed. The Corellian held up a blond wig. "Let's put this on him!"

"HAN!" Luke yelled.

"Skywalker is correct Solo. The red wig is really more his color."

"MARA!"

_"Kenobi, what the hell is going on?"_ Owen asked. Obi-wan stared at the scene in disbelief.

_"It would appear that Luke accidentally wiped this Bothan's memories,"_ he said.

_"Gah! This is what happens when you mess with your so called mystical Force!"_ Owen yelled sarcastically. "_I knew he should have stayed a moisture farmer!"_

_"Oh yes,"_ Obi-wan shot back, _"Then Anakin could have stayed Darth Vader, Han Solo would still be a smuggler, Leia would be dead, and the three Solo children would never have been born!"_ Owen considered that for a moment before stubbornly crossing his arms.

_"Then Luke should have come back to Tatooine after the war!"_ he yelled. Obi-wan threw up his hands in exasperation.

_"You're impossible Lars!"_

_"Yes, well...LUKE! YOU IDIOT!"_ Owen bellowed. Obi-wan looked sharply over at the scene before smacking his head.

Luke, in desperation to stop Mara's Bothan dress up game, had resorted to a foolish solution.

He'd kissed her on the lips.

And now because of that very rash action, Jedi Master Luke Skywalker was running for his life.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Lando had spit out his drink when Luke planted the kiss. For once, he and Karrde were briefly struck speechless.

However, it didn't last long.

"DID YOU SEE THAT?" Lando yelled.

"I KNOW! I CAN'T WAIT TO SHOW THIS TO LEIA!"

Leia? Oh no.

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_"Kenobi! Stop him!"_ Owen yelled.

_"I can't!"_ Obi-wan yelled. _"I told him that I'd never appear to him again!"_

_"Then let me talk to him!"_

Obi-wan stared at the moisture farmer. This should be interesting.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

"SKYWALKER!"

Oh shit oh shit oh shit...

Luke wondered if perhaps he'd lost a few braincells when Palpatine had electrocuted him.

"GET BACK HERE!"

Just how many stupid things could he do in one day?

The Jedi Master made a beeline for the men's restroom. Maybe he could hide in there. (And that's going to stop Mara because...)

Unfortunately our hero didn't make it there. No, you see, he met with an unexpected distraction along the way.

_**"LUKE!"**_

Oh shit oh shit oh shit...

It was Uncle Owen.


	12. Step 8, Scream Really Loud

**Hey Dad...**

**Chpt. 12: Step 8, Scream Really Loud**

Han Solo stared around him in indecision. Our favorite Corellian hero knew that he had only three options to choose from. (Actually there were four, but Leia would kill him if he chose that one.)

**1.** _Chase after Luke.  
_**2.** _Torment Fey'yla.  
_**3.** _Chase after Jaina.  
_(**4.** _Run very far away, get very very drunk, and hope that things turned out for the best_.)

What did Han choose?

"Here Borskie," Han said with a smirk. He flopped the blonde wig on the Bothan's head and replaced the sunhat. After adding a pair of not-so-sexy pink sunglasses, he stepped back to admire his additions to Mara's handiwork. He had no idea what Mara was talking about. The blonde wig really was his color, not the red.

Han gave the very confused Fey'yla another nod of approval before taking off in a random direction just as an enraged Vosha Varida came storming around the corner with a troupe of angry saleswomen. He had to find Jaina and get out of here. Fast.

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_"LUKE! WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING KISSING THAT RED HAIRED DEMON CHILD OF A TUSKAN RAIDER?"_ Owen Lars bellowed. His dumbstruck nephew gaped wordlessly at him.

"Un..Uncle Owen?" Luke asked in disbelief. The Jedi Master pinched himself on the cheek and blinked, but the ghostly apparition of his dead uncle was still there. But before the sandy haired Jedi Master could ponder the deeper meanings of this paranormal occurrence, something happened that jolted him back to the anxiety ridden planes of physical reality.

**"SKYWALKER! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"**

The red haired demon child of death had arrived.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

_"Anakin..."_ Padme warned. The dead Skywalker looked up at her in alarm. What did he do _now_?

_"Yes dear?"_ he asked meekly. A now worried Jaina had climbed up on a mannequin and was balancing precariously on it's shoulders as she gazed around for her missing father and uncle.

_"JAINA!"_ Anakin suddenly yelled. _"GET DOWN BEFORE YOU BREAK YOUR..."_

The girl crashed down off the mannequin and both of her grandparents winced. Her small pile of bras went flying as she rolled into a perfume display. Dozens of perfume bottles crashed down and shattered open around the disorientated twelve-year old. A pungent odor filled the air.

"OWWW!" she yelped. This cry (and the sound of breaking glass) caught the attention of some nearby store clerks.

"Who's there?" someone yelled. Anakin and Padme rushed up to the still dizzy Jaina.

_"Jaina! Run!"_ Anakin yelled.

"But why..."

_"Just do it! And grab your...things!"_ Anakin urged. The twelve year old grabbed her stash of bras and staggered around the corner just as two store clerks came racing around the corner.

"Oh great!" one yelled. "First the lingerie section, and now this!"

"We have to catch these guys!" the other yelled.

_Run Jaina._

_"Anakin, go find our son and son-in-law,"_ Padme ordered.

Hurry Ani.

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"SKYWALKER! I'M GOING TO KILL...WHO'S THE OLD GUY?" Mara gaped at the transperant Owen Lars.

"Uh uh uh..." Luke stuttered.

_"I'm his uncle you red haired hussey!"_ Owen yelled.

"UNCLE OWEN!" Luke yelled in dismay.

"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING A HUSSEY YOU..YOU...hey aren't you supposed to be dead?"

_"I AM DEAD! ARE YOU BLIND?"_

"LIKE I'VE EVER TALKED TO DEAD PEOPLE!" Mara yelled. Luke moaned softly to himself. Unknown to him, a very dismayed (but highly amused) Obi-wan Kenobi was watching the exchange. Perhaps this wasn't the smartest idea he'd ever gone along with.

_"I DON'T WANT YOU AROUND MY NEPHEW!"_ the dead farmer bellowed. _"YOU'RE A BAD INFLUENCE! YOU'RE EVEN WORSE THAN THAT CAMI GIRL THAT..."_

"UNCLE!" Luke yelled.

_"QUIET LUKE! THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD! I WON'T HAVE YOU KISSING THIS..."_

"UNCLE!"

"KISSING THIS WHAT?" Mara screeched. The invisible Obi-wan clutched his ears in dismay. This was very very bad. He needed female assistance on this.

The dead Jedi Master ran off in search of Beru and Shmi.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Karrde and Lando stared at Mara and Luke.

"Calrissian, what the hell is going on?" Karrde asked.

"Uh..."

"Are they drunk?" he asked.

"Uh..."

"Oh that's very insightful Calrissian."

"Maybe they see dead people," Lando finally offered. Karrde gave him a quizzical look before pouring himself some brandy. (They ran out of wine and have now turned to Karrde's private store of Corellian whiskey and brandy.)

"They're both insane," Karrde suggested instead. "We need to lock those two and the kid in a crazy house."

"If we're going to do that, don't forget Han," Lando said.

"Solo doesn't need to be in a nut house, he needs his own special exhibit at the New Republic Interplanetary Zoo."

The two men looked at each other for a split second before breaking into drunken laughter. Ghent sighed to himself. He wondered how long it would be before they finally passed out from all the alcohol.

"We could sell tickets!" Lando yelled. "Thirty five credits to see the Hairless Wookiee!"

Apparently it wasn't soon enough.  
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

_"Owen! What the hell?"_ Anakin yelled. The dead Skywalker had arrived right in the middle of the new Galactic Civil War.

_"Anakin!"_ Owen yelled. He pointed an accusing finger at a red faced Mara Jade. _"Your son kissed her!"_

"I was only..." Luke started to protest, then he stopped and stared at Anakin. Mara voiced his thoughts by yelling and jabbing a finger in his direction.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" she asked.

_"I'm uh...shopping..."_ he offered lamely.

"DEAD PEOPLE CAN'T SHOP!"

Anakin groaned. As if an angry Padme (as well as Jaina, Shmi, and Beru) weren't enough, now he had to deal with YET another estrogen charged female. Was this some kind of force twisted penance for his days spent as a Sith Lord?

_"Ani!"_ Shmi yelled. Anakin jumped as his mother and step sister-in-law came charging up. (Followed closely behind by a bemused Qui-Gon and an anxious Obi-wan.)

Anakin closely counted those around him. One, two, three...three women...

_"Anakin!"_ Padme yelled as she and Jaina came racing up. Four...five... Gah! He was surrounded!

Now where was Han?

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

"You're paying for all of this!" Vosha Varida screeched as she cornered the luckless Corellian. She and her mini troupe of saleswomen surrounded the now sweating Solo.

"Sorry sweet heart, but I've got better things to do!" Han yelled. _Must...not...use...blaster..._

The voluptious blue Twi'lek leaned dangerously closer (exposing a view that Obi-wan would have...er...enjoyed) as she glared menacingly at our unfortunate hero.

"You WILL pay for this!" she yelled.

"No I won't!" Han yelled. A sudden idea flashed through his mind as a certain amnesiac crossdressing Bothan came into view.

"It's his fault!" Han accused. He pointed a finger at Fey'yla. "He did it! Make him pay for the damages!" As the mini female warband turned their eyes upon the confused Bothan, Han jumped behind a rack of bathrobes and dashed like a possessed madman down the center of the store.

"JAINA!" Han roared. "WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?"

"GET HIM!" Vosha Varida screeched. Han realized that he was in some real trouble now. As a former Rebel hero and a responsible (Responsible?) parent, there was only one real solution to his problems.

**"LEIA! GET ME OUT OF THIS HELL HOLE!"**

Um, I don't think that was it.


	13. Step 9, Use a Blaster

**Hey Dad...**

**Chpt. 13: Step 9, Use a Blaster**

When last we left our heroes, Luke (and Mara) had been reunited with Jaina (along with a small army of dead people) and Han had been, well...

"LEIA!"

"GET HIM!"

Han's having his own problems right now.

"I DON'T WANT TO MARRY YOUR NEPHEW YOU DIRTY SON OF A **CENSORE CENSORE**!"

Luke's got his own problems too.

"I WANT TO GO HOME!"

Apparently so does Jaina.

"HE'S GOT A BLASTER!" The twi'lek shrieked. Han had finally pulled his blaster out of hiding. "CALL THE POLICE!"

Smooth move Han.

"JAINA! WE'RE LEAVING! NOW! **JAAIINAA!**"

(The narrator shall now take a brief moment to ponder the true intellectual IQ of the characters in our story.)

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!" Mara screamed.

"I'M ALREADY DEAD!" Owen bellowed back.

(How the hell did these people defeat an empire?)

The sound of blaster fire abruptly shut up Mara Jade and Owen Lars. They, Luke, and the others slowly turned their heads to stare at the now gaping hole in the ceiling.

_"Your son-in-law I presume?"_ Qui-Gon asked Anakin. The dead Skywalker muttered something before both he and Owen snapped at Luke.

_**"Go get Han!"**_ they yelled. Luke jumped at the double onslaught and raced fearfully into Han's direction. As the Skywalker raced on, Mara slipped away in the other direction. She would plot her revenge. (How do you get revenge on dead people Mara?)

Meanwhile, Padme pointed in the direction of her escaping son as she knelt next to Jaina.

_"Jaina,"_ she ordered. _"Follow your uncle. You're in charge now. All the three of you have to do is pay and leave._" (You make it sound so simple Padme.)

The young girl nodded as she gave chase to her father and uncle. When she caught up to them, Han and Luke were both being cornered by a certain Twi'lek and her brood.

"Kid! Give me back my blaster!" Han yelled. Luke glared at him in response. The Jedi Master had whisked away the weapon and hidden it under his cloak.

"YOU...YOU..." Vosha Varida sputtered. Her blue face turned a deep shade of purple. Han, of course, couldn't keep his mouth shut.

"I didn't think Twi'leks could turn that color," he remarked.

"Well now you know," Luke answered sarcastically.

"Dad! Uncle Luke!" Jaina yelled. Several pairs of eyes turned to stare at her. The girl gulped as she hid slightly behind her small pile of bras.

"Jaina! We're leaving!" Han yelled.

"Han, in case you haven't noticed, we're kind of surrounded," Luke pointed out.

"Luke," Han said craftily. Luke gave him a wary look.

"What?" he asked carefully.

"Jedi Mind Trick."

"NO!"

"WELL DO SOMETHING THEN!"

"Uh...umm...Fey'yla! Look! He's shoplifting!" Luke pointed wildly in the direction of the poor Bothan. The still amnesiac Fey'yla was walking out of the store, still wearing his feminine accessories. The alarms began to go off as the scanners detected the unbought items on the Bothan senator. Vosha Varida squawked as she raced after him.

"STOP HIM! HE'S STEALING!"

The mini-troupe of saleswomen followed faithfully after their angry blue leader. Luke and Han looked at each other a split second before they each grabbed one of Jaina's arms and hustled her to the exit. Luke suddenly balked as they neared the Force blessed exit of freedom.

"Han! We have to pay!"

"Kid! We're leaving!"

"HAN! We mind wiped a Senator and destroyed a clothing store! I'm not going to steal a handful of bras!" Han grumbled mightily at that before he sulked over to a checkout scanner.

"FINE! Keep them distracted!" he yelled. Luke complied by sending a phantom image of himself and Han running in the other direction. Several of Vosha Varida's saleswomen gave chase.

"THERE, FINE! LET'S GO!" Han yelled. He shoved the bras into a shopping bag and our three heroes bolted into freedom.

_The end...or is it?_

"Why don't we get that one?" Lando asked. He pointed to a picture on the HoloNet.

"No! We have to get the mannequin that looked like Mara!" Karrde protested.

"But Mara already killed it!"

"Not that one, another one! Ghent's tracing the serial numbers of the model, right Ghent?" Karrde asked. Ghent sighed.

"Yes sir," he replied. _Bel Iblis is going to kill me._

Oops, no. That part comes later. (The narrator apologizes for this grievious error.)

Karrde had ordered Ghent to erase the copies in the store's security system so that only he would have a copy of the events that have taken place today. But enough of that, I suppose you're wondering what happens next.

"ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzz..."

Well, we'll have to wait on Karrde and Lando. They've finally passed out from all the alcohol.

"Thank the Force," Ghent muttered.

Just wait until they wake up Ghent.

What else, hmm...

**_"ANAKIN! I REPEAT, I WAS NOT STARING DOWN HER SHIRT!"_**

_"Obi-wan's in denial,"_ Anakin mused. Qui-Gon nodded his head in agreement.

_"Yes, he has a habit of doing that."_

**_"MASTER!"_**

Oh yes, our heroes' harrowing experience is far from over yet.


	14. The Day After

**Hey Dad...**

**Chpt. 14: The Day After**

When last we left our heroes in chapter thirteen, Han and Luke had finally "succeeded" in their mission of bra shopping with Jaina. Although, to be fair, victory was really due to Padme's influence than anything else. (Sorry guys.)

Little do our two heroes know that Leia Organa Solo is less than two days away from Coruscant.

"She's what?" Han asked.

Okay, now they know.

"Han, Leia must never know about yesterday," Luke said. They both nodded and looked over at Jaina, who was busy scarfing down their bribe. Chocolate ice cream with chocolate sprinkles and syrup, hopefully she won't breathe a word, right? Right?

I guess we'll just have to wait. But meanwhile...

"CHEWIE! WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?" A certain outraged Corellian bellowed.

"Arrowwww graawwwww." (I was busy.)

"BUSY DOING WHAT?"

"Grrraaaa wraaa." (I took Jacen to the zoo.)

"DON'T GIVE THAT YOU LYING SON OF A..."

"HAN!" Luke yelled. The red faced Corellian turned to glare at him. The Jedi Master held up his hands in defense before continuing. "He's not lying." The Wookiee gave a snort. Han glared at him.

"Convenient excuse," Han muttered. Chewbacca made a show of innocence as sauntered into the back room.

"I'M NOT DONE WITH YOU YET!" Han bellowed. The angry Corellian bolted after the Wookiee, who tried to hide (unsuccessfully) behind a couch. What resulted was a brief game of cat and mouse around the piece of furniture until the Wookiee finally picked up the human and shoved him in a closet. Then he took the opportunity to make a convenient escape from the Solo residence until Han calmed down.

Of course, Han wasn't going to calm down for a while.

"WHY YOU DIRTY SON OF **CENSORE CENSORE CENSORE**!"

Umm, I think we should leave Han for a moment as we check on Lando and Karrde.

Currently our destructive duo are just waking up after their long, alcohol filled night. (Karrde's crew was reluctant to remove the unconscious two from the main bridge and instead left them alone. Without their knowledge, many holopictures have been taken for future blackmail.)

"Sithspawn," Karrde muttered. "It's so bright."

"Head hurts, speak later," Lando grumbled.

I think we'll come back when they're a little more human. Back to Han.

**"I'LL TEAR THAT WOOKIEE FUR OF HIS OFF ONE PIECE AT A TIME UNTIL..."**

Han's not quite human yet either. I wonder how Anakin and the others are doing?

_"How was your trip to the living world?"_ Mace Windu asked. He, Yoda, and a few others of the Jedi Council were floating somewhere in the oblivion of the netherworld. Anakin, Obi-wan, and Qui-Gon bowed respectfully before the dead Jedi Masters.

_"It was...fruitful,"_ Qui-Gon said.

_"Yes, fruitful,"_ Anakin echoed.

_"Very fruitful,"_ Obi-wan repeated.

Mace Windu raised an eyebrow and wondered if he should question Padme about it later. Was it his imagination, or did Qui-Gon just smirk then? Before he could ponder this, a certain, small green creature at his side drew everyone's attention.

_"Hmm, trip very good then methinks, hmm? Congratulations in order they are_," Yoda said. Obi-wan and Anakin fidgeted (slightly) at that, but said nothing. Several more pleasantries were exchanged before Anakin, Obi-wan, and Qui-Gon turned to leave. However, Yoda had one more piece of infinite wisdom to expound.

_"Master Kenobi, if lady friend you desire, plenty here there are. Yes, yes, many Twi'leks here in fact."_

Obi-wan's face turned a lovely shade of red.  
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Several hours and many migraine pills later:

"Just how are we going to manage this Calrissian?" Karrde asked. "Skywalker's a Jedi, he'll know something's up."

Lando thought hard for a moment as he stared at the computer console. They had hit a snag with their plan. The Force.

Damn the Force.

However Lando, being Lando, soon latched on to a solution to their problem.

"We need a third advocate," Lando said. (A THIRD advocate?) Karrde gave him a curious look befor slowly catching on.

"Someone who doesn't know what's in there," Karrde finished. Lando flashed a sparkling smile as he turned back to the computer. He wondered if the guy he had in mind was on Coruscant. Thankfully, he'd just returned to the planet early this morning.

Karrde smirked as he realized who Lando had in mind. The business man flashed another evil smile as he picked up a comlink. A short time later, the man on the other end answered.

"Hello Wedge, how's your day going so far?" Lando asked.

Wedge Antilles stared at his comlink. What did Lando Calrissian want NOW?


	15. The Third Advocate Strikes

**_Hey Dad..._**

**Chpt. 15: The Third Advocate Strikes**

Wedge glared hard at Lando and Karrde.

"You want me to WHAT?" he asked. Actually, he had no idea what they wanted from him, but he was reasonably sure that it was something incredibly stupid and insane. Karrde turned to Lando.

"Did you tell him anything?"

"Nope, you?"

Oh yes, incredibly stupid and insane it would be.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

"Leia!" Han yelled gratefully. He rushed up to his wife and enveloped her in a great bear hug. Chewbacca (still a little wary of Han) gently hugged Anakin as Luke, Jaina, and Jacen waited their turns.

"Did anything interesting happen while I was gone?" Leia asked. Luke, Han, and Jaina instantly shook their heads no. Jacen held back a snicker.

You see, both Jacen and Chewbacca felt the incredible urge to laugh. Unfortunately for them however, both Han and Luke had managed to threaten them into silence.

Leia raised an eyebrow.

She was a politician. She was a mother. She was a Jedi. She didn't buy it.

Han and Luke fidgeted under her stern gaze. The Jedi Master called on all the guidances of the Force for strength as Han prayed to whatever celestial beings that might be nearby. Leia decided to not say anything. For now.

She'd pull it out of them later.

Fortunately for Leia Organa Solo, _Operation Third Advocate_ was about to begin.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Wedge seriously wondered if he had brain damage. Why else would he go along with one of Lando's schemes? No, correction. Lando AND Karrde. It was a joint effort.

If there were ever three words that spelled doom, that was it.

Lando and Karrde hadn't told him what was in the box, due to Luke's Jedi abilities. They'd also explained that on account of Wedge's friendship, Luke probably wouldn't pry too deeply into his mind.

They had also assured him that he would immensly enjoy this.

Though to be on the safe side, they had also blackmailed him into doing their dirty work.

Did he have brain damage?

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

It was Anakin who answered the door. Wedge paused there for a moment before greeting the young Solo and walking in. He was greeted by a chorus of hellos.

"What's up Wedge?" Luke asked. Wedge looked behind him to eye the large box sitting outside the door.

"I need to talk to you guys in private. But I'm afraid that the kids are going to need to leave, at least for the moment." Lando had been very specific on that.

The four adults eyed each other, as if to say, _'Here we go again.'_ Han finally yelled behind him.

"Hey Golden Rod! Take the kids out for ice cream!" He was immediately met by a chorus of protests. The three Solo children didn't want to miss a word of what was obviously of top secret importance. Han glared at them and they rushed out with C-3PO.

See, he CAN be the authoritive father figure. Sometimes.

Wedge waited until the kids left before placing a datacard into Leia's hands.

"I'm not sure what's in there," he said. "But Ghent's the one that recorded it. I'm also told that Bel Iblis has seen some of what is in there." At least, that's all Lando would tell him.

Leia turned to put the datacard in the computer, but Wedge stopped her. Lando and Karrde had been adamant that the box be opened first.

"Uh...Lando said..." Oh shit, he said Lando! "Umm, Lando said that the box needed to be opened first. The recording's an explanation for it." Luke, Han, and Leia looked at each other before nodding their heads. Luke and Han walked up to the box, which was now standing vertically in the living room. Chewbacca stayed by Leia.

Wedge stepped back. (Another of Lando's suggestions.)

Luke and Han eyed each other for a tense moment before they opened the box.

Bras and thongs exploded all over the room as the sides of the box dropped down.

"WEDGE! WHAT THE HELL..." Han started to bellow, until something else caught his eye. A red haired mannequin stood in the center of the box. Luke's face reddened in recognition.

It was the same mannequin that he'd seen in the clothing store. The one that had looked like Mara.

And as if that wasn't enough, a holo recording popped out of her belly button.

A holographic Karrde and Lando grinned up at the stunned adults in the now bra and panty infested living room.

_"Leia! I'm sure you're probably getting angry by this point, but there's a legitimate reason for the mess. You see, Han and Luke, well, we weren't sure what their bra sizes were..."_ Lando said as Karrde finished for him.

_"So we got them different sizes!"_

_"Anyway,"_ Lando continued, _"You might be interested in what your husband and brother did while you were gone. Here's a sample."_

Their holo images faded into the image of Han shooting up the clothing store. It played for a few seconds before jumping to Luke and Mara's chase scene through the lingerie section. The images faded back to Karrde and Lando.

_"Leia,"_ Karrde smirked. _"That recording contains every detail of Luke and Han's...experience two days ago. Oh, and Wedge. I told you you'd enjoy this. I'd give you a free copy too, but, you know, business is business. I can't give everything away for free. However, I WILL offer it to you at half price in reward for your services."_

_"Oh, and Luke,"_ Lando added craftily. _"I hope you like the mannequin. It's the same model as the one you were admiring in Old Republic Fashions. Mara destroyed the first one, so we ordered you one that looked the same. See? It's even got the same lingerie on."_ Luke's face reddened into a purplish red.

_"Oh, and Leia,"_ Karrde added just before the recording ended. _"Just wait until you see what they did to Fey'yla."_

_Click._

A stunned Han and Luke very slowly turned to eye the chesnut haired woman besides them.

Leia smiled evilly as she walked over to a nearby computer console.

**"NOOOOOOO!"** they yelled.

Too late guys. And this time, Padme CAN'T save you.


	16. Watching and Waiting

**Hey Dad...**

**Chpt. 16: Watching and Waiting**

At this point in our story, I suppose you are wondering what has become of Vosha Varida, the emotionally crazed Twi'lek saleswoman, Mara Jade, and of course, Borsk Fey'lya.

As far as Fey'yla goes:

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN I WAS WEARING HUMAN FEMININE ARTICLES?"

Oh dear, he has finally regained his memory. However, it seems that the events that took place in the clothing store have mysteriously disappeared from his mind. Since it obviously couldn't be Jedi Master Luke Skywalker, who could it...

Oh dear Anakin, how could you?

_"It was Owen's idea,"_ Anakin protested.

So you're going to blame your step brother? Shouldn't your son and son-in-law, I don't know, take responsibility for what they did to Fey'yla?

_"It was NOT my idea you infernal Jedi!"_ Owen barked back. _"It was that senile old pervert!"_

Senile old pervert? Do you mean...

_"I'm not a pervert!"_ Obi-wan yelled. _"It's not my fault! She shouldn't have been wearing that kind of clothing!"_

Oh dear, well readers, I believe we should leave this trio for a short while. I think they need to sort some things out.

_"ANAKIN! FOR THE LAST TIME! I WASN'T..."_

Ahem, now that we have left the plane of transperant existence, let's check on the Twi'lek.

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

_**Crash.**_

Oh dear...

It looks as though Vosha Varida has just met her demise in a freak cooking accident. (Gosh those flying pans are deadly.) Hmm...Anakin?

_"It wasn't me!"_ he protested. _"I had nothing to do with it!"_

Oh dear, well at any rate the realm of the dead shall be receiving a new resident shortly. I wonder what Obi-wan will think? Hmm...what else? Oh yes, Mara Jade.

Mara Jade's green eyes flickered as she silently watched the footage. Her battle of wills with Owen Lars had left her with a sour taste in her mouth. She would have her revenge, oh yes she would.

That farmer and his nephew had better watch out.

Of course, she had to figure out a plan of sweet cold revenge first. Getting back at a dead person made it a little more complicated. She had no idea how she was...wait.

The Lightbulb of Doom has flashed it's light of twisted brilliance.

Mara Jade smirked in satisfaction. That plan just might work.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Han and Luke fidgeted nervously as Leia sat silently in front of the recording. She had not said a word for the last hour. They paced warily in the kitchen as she and a guffawing Chewbacca sat in the living room and, wait a minute, where's Wedge?

_Rewind._

"BEAT IT ANTILLES!" Han bellowed.

A laughing Wedge Antilles staggered out into the hallway just in time to escape Han Solo's wrath. After he rounded a corner, he managed to control himself long enough to call Talon Karrde and tell him that he wanted a copy.

Just as he was on his way to the _Wild Karrde_ to pick up his reserved copy, a sudden thought occurred to him. Such important footage such as this must of course be shared among friends.

He brought back out the Comlink of Doom as he contacted the first of several aquaintances.

"Hey Corrin, you busy?"

_Fast Forward._

Han and Luke paced warily in the kitchen as Chewbacca let out a great Wookiee roar of laughter. They peered quietly around the corner in the now thong and bra free room. They had silently picked up the living room in the hopes that it would alleviate some of her wrath.

Did it work?

Uh, we'll have to wait a few hours. Oh wait, what the...what is Leia doing? She's pausing the recording and she's...WATCH OUT GUYS! SHE'S TURNING AROUND! SHE'S...SHE'S...

She's calling Winter? And Mon Montha? And...they're coming here?

You two are screwed.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Bel Iblis paused the recording so that he could retrieve yet another bottle of alcoholic substance. Karrde had been true to his word and sent the footage of Solo and Skywalker to him. He glanced back into his living room to see if his visitor wanted anything.

Admiral Ackbar simply shook his great head no.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

**One hour later:**

Han and Luke are still hiding in the kitchen. Peals of feminine laughter from Mon Montha and Winter (mixed with Wookiee chuckles) floated out from the living room.

Leia was still silent.

"Luke," Han whispered. "I'm going to kill Wedge. Then I'm going to skin Karrde and Lando alive and hang their corpses from..."

Han! Young eyes might be reading!

"...then I'll string their intestines around the..." (The following has been edited by the Coruscant Safety Commission due to its extreme graphic content.)

**Two hours later:**

Han and Luke are still in the kitchen. Only this time, they have cleaned it until it now sparkles with radiant cleanness. Perhaps this will alleviate some of her wrath. (Somehow I doubt this guys.)

Oh, by the way, the children are still out with Threepio. They're hanging around with the Noghri guards until Leia figures out what to do with Han and Luke.

Another peal of feminine laughter reached their cringing ears. There was suddenly a brief pause in the recording and our duo tensed. But it was only Mon Montha commanding them to prepare some tea.

Leia was still silent.

**An undeterminable time later:**

Han and Leia's bedroom is tidy and the children's bedrooms are neat and clean. The kitchen received yet another dose of cleaning and dinner has been prepared. (These two are really pulling at straws here.)

A tired Han and Luke sulk at the table. The combination of stress and gasp, housework has really worn them out.

The recording has finally finished. They watched warily as a smirking Mon Montha and Winter filed out of the room. Wait, no. They've paused at the entrance. The two females appear to be waiting for something, or are they perhaps...oh dear.

Leia walked silently in with a certain amused Wookiee trailing behind her. Chewbacca paused in the middle of the only other escape entrance. Our two heroes pale visibly and gulp as they realize that they have been effectively blockaded inside the kitchen.

Our unfortunate duo quailed visibly as a certain, stern faced silent woman stopped directly across the table from them.

Then she smirked.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

_**Author's Note:** As we are nearing to the end (only a chapter or two remains, depending on how it develops), I thought I'd give you a heads up on some future SW fics churning around in my brain. After Hey Dad is finished, I'm going to take about a month long siesta so I can concentrate on two other fics I'm working on. But never fear, I shall return. Anyways, here's some possible upcoming fics I may do:_

_Hey Mom: I've had several requests to do a version of Hey Dad with Leia and Jacen. I don't really know anything about jockstraps, but I'll...er...do some brief research on the subject. I'm willing to give it a shot if there's interest. But before you decide, look at my other ideas first._

_Hey Palpatine: A Mara Jade version of Hey Dad._

_Unnamed: I had a request to do something with Luke and Mara's wedding._

_What Women Want: A spoof of the Mel Gibson movie of the same name. Wedge mysteriously gains the ability to read women's minds._

_Unnamed: The dead Jedi crew (plus Padme and Co.) return to battle another crazy adventure. What it is, I'm not sure yet. Perhaps it will involve a young Ben Skywalker._

_Unnamed: Beru Lars is away when a sandstorm hits and Owen is trapped alone in the house with a very young Luke and Biggs. The Battle of Wills has begun._

_Unnamed: The tribbles from Star Trek make an appearance in the SW universe. Not sure of the timeline yet, but perhaps our dead Jedi crew would make another appearance._

_I'm not sure about this one, but can you seriously see them dealing with tribbles?_

_Han: Must. Use. Blaster.  
Dead Anakin: Force Lightning! Force Lightning!  
Leia: Awww, they're cute!  
Mara: Kill them! Burn! Destroy!  
Luke: (He has chosen not to place a comment.)_

_Anyway, those are some of my ideas. Tell me what you think and if you have any more requests or ideas for me. I'll see_ what I can do.


	17. The Definition of Humiliation is

**Hey Dad...**

**Chpt. 17: The Definition of Humiliation is...**

Webster's New Universal Unabridged Dictionary

**humiliation**, n. the act of humiliating or the state of being humiliated. (What the force is it with dictionary definitions not telling you the definition?)

**humiliate**, v.t.; to humble; to lower the pride or dignity of; to hurt the feelings of by causing to be or seem foolish or contemptible; to mortify. (That's a little better.)

Webster's Dictionary according to Han and Luke

**humiliation:**

_1._ The act of doing incredibly stupid things that just happen to be recorded by your so called friends just so that they can make a hefty profit at the expense of your hard won dignity.

_2._ The fact that everyone will know about this by tomorrow.

_3._ The fact that your beloved wife and sister won't let you kill the immoral conniving rancor asses that just happened to illegally record every microsecond of your brain numbing ordeal.

_4._ The fact that you're now on Mara Jade's death list. (Oh wait, that's supposed to go under their definition of fear.)

**fear:**

_1._ An angry Leia.

_2._ An angry Mara.

_3._ A very angry Leia.

_4._ Mara Jade's death list.

_5._ Being less than two feet away from a very angry Leia while the Walking Carpet and two female associates block off the only available escape routes out of the kitchen.

_6._ The knowledge that nothing in this universe can save them from the coming Apocalypse.

"Enough of the definitions!" Han yelled. "Let's just get it over with!"

Fair enough.

"Ladies," Leia finally said, "What do you think I should do with this pair?" Mon Montha and Winter made a brief show of intense concentration as they thought about this matter of very grave importance.

"They can clean my place," Winter finally suggested.

"Yes, and mine as well," Mon Montha said. (Isn't this kind of mild punishment?)

Leia thought about this for a moment as she studied the sweating pair in front of her.

"You know," she mused. "By this time tomorrow all of our friends and associates will have seen that recording." Han and Luke's faces paled considerably as they thought about that. Leia smirked as she continued relentlessly.

"I'm not sure if there's any punishment I can give that can compete with the knowledge that everyone is going to see what you did. But of course, that doesn't mean I won't try," Leia grinned. Han and Luke gulped.

**fear:** to feel a painful apprehension of, as some impending evil; to be afraid of; to dread...

"ENOUGH OF THE DEFINITIONS!" Han bellowed.

Sorry Han, I was just trying to help.

"WELL STOP HELPING! YOU'RE ONLY SUPPOSED TO BE THE NARRATOR!"

Ahem. On with the story. (See that I ever help you again Solo.)

"Before I decide on a fitting punishment, I want to know one thing," Leia said. Han and Luke looked fearfully at her.

"Exactly who was it that actually helped Jaina? I didn't see you two doing anything."

A sheepish Luke went on the explain their ghostly saviors to his bemused sister.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

"Karrde?"

"Eh?"

"This has been a good day," Lando said. He and Karrde have been busy counting their profits. In case you, the readers, are wondering, the current list of customers is listed below.

So far the recording has been sold or given to:

_1._ Leia  
_2._ Wedge  
_3._ Bel Iblis  
_4._ Mara Jade  
_5._ Corrin Horn  
_6._ Wes Janson  
_7._ Booster Terrik  
_8._ Gavin Darklighter  
_9._ Ghent

So far the recording has been seen by:

_1._ All of the above.  
_2._ All of the above and their spouses.  
_3._ Admiral Ackbar.

Future customers that have yet to see or buy this recording (But will very soon):

_1._ Kyp Durron  
_2._ Streen  
_3._ Various other Jedi  
_4._ Rogue Squadron  
_5._ You get the idea.

"So what are you going to do now?" Lando asked.

"The only thing that any sensible man can do right now," Karrde answered.

And what's that Karrde?

"Get as far away as humanly possible from Coruscant and Yavin 4."

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Luke and Han glared darkly at the smirking pair in front of them.

"You're dead Antilles, you hear me?" Han threatened. "And so are you Horn!"

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Wedge said. "This was Leia's idea, not mine."

"Save it Antilles!"

Wedge's smirk deepened as he watched the frustrated pair. Corrin snickered evilly as the door opened to admit Gavin Darklighter. A shocked Gavin (and an invisible Biggs Darklighter) froze in the middle of the doorway before he began to laugh hysterically.

"Hey Han, nice clothes. Did Leia pick them out for you and Luke?" he asked.

"SHUT THE HELL UP!" Han bellowed.

"Are you guys recording this?" Gavin asked. Corrin and Wedge's grins widened even wider.

"Oh yes," Corrin said. "Moments like this must be treasured."

"Okay, now I agree with Han," Luke muttered. "Shut up!" A smiling Corrin wagged his finger at the reddened Jedi Master and took on a mocking tone as he imitated Luke's teaching voice.

"Now remember Jedi Master Skywalker, humility is the hallmark of a Jedi. It teaches us to..."

"Humility, not humiliation!" Luke shouted.

"I never knew Leia had it in her," Wedge mused. "She's more evil than I originally thought. That woman's definately the daughter of Dark Vader." A pair of hostile eyes glared up at them.

"What are you two looking at?" Corrin asked. "Mirax wants you to clean the kitchen after this." Han muttered something under his breath and Corrin smirked.

"I'll tell Mirax you said that Solo," he said.

"No! Don't!" Han protested. He'd had enough of angry females the last few days.

(I suppose you the readers are now wondering what thehell is going on. So I shall now enlighten you.)

**"WHY THE HELL DID SHE MAKE US WEAR WOMEN'S CLOTHING?"** Han wailed.

Yes, Leia decided that cleaning every inch of Mon Montha, Winter, Wedge, and Corrin's homes was not humbling enough. Our unfortunate pair is also being forced to wear the following:

_Han:_  
the same articles he and Mara put on Fey'yla (blonde wig, women's sunhat, a scarf, and a pink purse)  
a red bra over a pink shirt  
a matching red thong over his pants  
jewelry (Winter's idea)  
makeup (Mon Montha's idea)

_Luke:  
_a red wig  
jewelry  
makeup  
a green lacy bra over a white shirt (Leia banned him from wearing his Jedi clothes)  
a matching thong over his pants a white laced hair bonnet (courtesy of Winter)

Oh dear, will the humiliation never end?

**"HAHAHAHA! HEY! NICE CLOTHES!"**

Gah! It's Wes!

**"HAHAHAHAHA!"**

**"I'M GOING TO KILL ALL OF YOU!"** Han raged. A faint female voice drifted in response from a back room. Corrin grinned as he translated.

"Mirax says less talking and more scrubbing Han."

"Of all the dirty son of a..."

"Mirax! Han's saying that..." Corrin started.

"HAN!" Mirax yelled.

"I hate you Corrin," Han muttered.

"Shut up and scrub the floor."

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_Author's note: It's look like I have two chapters left instead of one. Han and Luke (and Mara)  
still have to plot their revenge._

_The final two chapters are (if everything goes as planned):_

_Chpt. 18: Revenge is a Dish Best Served..._

_Chpt. 19: The Antilles Finale_

_Oh, and I've decided that my next story will be Hey Palpatine, but it'll be about a month before I get to it. I'm going to have a character from a popular non-SW movie guest star in it (perhaps), but I won't say who it is. I will, however, say that he is a complete scoundrel._


	18. Revenge is a Dish Best Served

**Hey Dad...**

**Chpt. 18: Revenge is a Dish Best Served...**

_Webster's New Universal Unabridged Dictionary_

**revenge;** to inflict damage, injury, or punishment in return for (an injury, insult, etc.); to take vengeance for; to retaliate for.

_Han and Luke's Definition_

**revenge;** just read the story

"Han?"

"Eh?"

"We can never show our faces in public again," Luke moaned.

"Kid, we can never show our faces in PRIVATE again."

Yes, our heroes have finally finished their gastly ordeal. I can only say that it's a good thing that our dead friends (particularly Owen and Anakin) didn't see them.

_"I saw them,"_ Biggs Darklighter said.

Biggs? What are you doing here?

_"Making fun of Luke,"_ he answered.

Ah, well I guess that makes sense. After all, what are friends for?

_"I can't wait to tell Mr. Lars."_

What? No! Biggs! Don't!

_**Poof.**_

Oh dear. It appears that Biggs has disappeared. You'd better hide guys. Wait a...WHAT are you two DOING?

"Kid, you want the beer or the whiskey?" Han asked.

Luke, isn't drinking what got you blackmailed in the first place?

"I'll take the whiskey," Luke answered.

Oh dear. Well, I suppose it was inevitable. Just so you two know, alcohol is not the solution to all problems.

"Just shut up and narrate!" Han yelled.

Very well, don't say I didn't warn you.

After consuming an undeterminable amount of alcoholic substances, our two heroes have finally decided upon a plan of action.

"I'm going to kill Karrde."

No Han, not that.

"Then Lando, Wedge, Corrin, Wes, Gavin..."

Han! Focus!

"I'm am focusing!" Han protested. "In great detail!"

(The narrator sighs at this point and gives up even trying.)

After going into great detail on the deaths of his so called friends, Han sat moodily at the table for a long time before he and Luke suddenly looked at each other.

"I have an idea for Karrde and Lando," Han smirked.

"Yeah, well I've got the perfect idea for Wedge," Luke answered.

Are you two going to enlighten us?

"First, we need to buy some supplies," Han said.

"We already have all the supplies for Wedge."

"Really?" Han asked.

"Uh huh."

Oh dear. Well, before we find out what happens next, there's one little thing I think we should check on.

_"Oh Master,"_ Anakin said innocently. (Anakin, innocent?)

_"What now?"_ Obi-wan asked crossly. He was tired of all the Twi'lek jokes.

_"Nothing, it's just that someone recently died that you might want to talk to."_ Obi-wan's eyebrow lifted slightly at that.

_"Oh really, I don't suppose you'll enlighten me."_

_"It's a surprise Master."_

_"Anakin, I don't like..."_

Anakin ignored him and began to walk away. A now curious Obi-wan was left with the option of either staying behind, or following.

He decided to follow.

He would come to regret it.

For the person he was about to meet...

_"Ahhhh!"_ Obi-wan yelled.

...was none other than Vosha Varida.

_"ANAKIN! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"_

_"I'm already dead Master."_

_"Who are you?"_ Vosha asked.

_"He's a secret admirer,"_ Anakin answered helpfully.

_"ANAKIN!"_

_"He especially likes your..."_

**WHACK!**

Anakin stumbled off to nurse his now bruised forehead as an irate Obi-wan Kenobi chased after him.

_"Anger is for the Dark Side Master!"_ Anakin called back.

_"I'll show you anger you miserable Padawan!"_

_"Padme! Help! He's finally gone senile!"_

Sorry Ani, but your wife decided to sit this one out. You're on your own.

_"Aaaahhhh!"_

**Meanwhile:**

_"Luke was wearing WHAT?"_ Owen Lars bellowed.

_"Yup,"_ Biggs said.

Biggs, what kind of friend are you?

_"Hey!"_ Biggs protested. _"Do you know how many times that Luke got ME in trouble when we were kids?  
This is pay back."_

(Sigh.)

_"Oh, I almost forgot,"_ Biggs said. _"I've got one other person I need to haunt today."_

One other person? This being...

"What the...WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?" Mara Jade yelled.

Oh no Biggs, you didn't.

_"I know what you're planning to do to Luke,"_ Biggs said.

Biggs, were you spying?

_"Never!"_ He protested.

"Are you another dead Jedi?" Mara asked suspiciously.

_"Nope."_

"Then what the hell do you want?" she asked irately.

_"Why, to help you of course,"_ Biggs answered innocently. Mara raised an eyebrow at him.

"To help me?"

_"Yup. Unless my calculations are incorrect, Luke's uncle should be paying him a visit very shortly.  
You'd better hurry."_

Mara ran out the door.

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A short time later:

_**"LUKE!"**_

Owen Lars has arrived.

"U..Uncle Owen?" Luke stared dumbstruck at the irate apparition in front of him. Cripes, what had he done NOW? The red faced farmer glared at the two younger men in front of him before exploding.

_"I DIDN'T RAISE A CROSSDRESSER!"_

"Leia made me do it!" Luke protested.

_"I DON'T CARE, YOU SHOULD HAVE..."_ Owen stopped abruptly as Mara Jade came barreling unannounced into the apartment. A strangled sound rose in Luke's throat as a halfway sober Han glared at her.

"Mara! What the hell are you doing here?" Han yelled. Green eyes glared at him as she stopped next to Owen and Luke. The woman crossed her arms and glared at the dead farmer.

"So you don't like me around your nephew, is that it old man?" she taunted. Owen sputtered angrily as he pointed a finger at her.

_"You! Get away from him!"_

"What if he doesn't want me to go away!" she yelled back. Luke gave her a confused look.

_"Hah! Luke get away from her!"_ Owen yelled. A frozen Luke stared back. (Our beloved Jedi Master looks very much like a deer in the headlights right now.)

"Ahh..uh..." Luke stuttered. His face reddened as Mara suddenly slung an arm around his waist and leered at his uncle.

"Perhaps Skywalker and I have plans," she hinted seductively. Han choked on his drink. Steam seemed to shoot out of Owen's ears.

_**"PLANS? LUKE! DON'T TELL ME YOU TWO ARE..."**_

"Ah...uh..." Luke stammered.

"Don't worry," Mara crooned evilly. "We use protection."

"We do..wha...WHAT?" Luke yelled. Owen Lars turned a deep shade of purplish red.

_**"LUKE!"**_ he bellowed.

"We're not, she's lying and uh..." he trailed off as Mara glared at him a split second before smiling innocently.

"Was last night not good enough for you Skywalker?" she asked sweetly. Luke gaped at her as Han snickered behind him.

"Huh?" he asked.

_**"LUKE!"**_ Owen boomed. _**"DON'T TELL ME YOU'VE BEEN SLEEPING WITH THIS...THIS..."**_

"I'm not!" Luke yelled. "Mara! Tell him!"

Mara Jade smirked evilly at him. Good, she had the old man's feathers up. Now for one last knife.

She wrapped her arms around a shocked Luke Skywalker and kissed him passionately on the lips. This time Han actually spit out his drink. Mara smirked inwardly as she ran her fingers through his hair and deepened the kiss.

Owen Lars went through the roof.

Mara pulled away and waved flirtatiously at the dumbstruck Jedi.

"I'll be seeing you Skywalker."

Then she sauntered happily out of the apartment and down the hall. As soon as she turned the corner, she leaned against a wall and laughed hysterically.

**And now for the Wrath of Owen Lars:**

**_"LUKE!"_**

Han took the opportunity to grab his drink and retreat to a relatively safe distance.

_Three..._

"Uncle, I..."

_Two..._

"We didn't..."

_One..._

**KABOOM.**

And thus exploded the Owen Lars equivolent of the nuclear bomb.

(Do to the graphic nature of the following, this scene has been cut. If you wish to see the unedited version, you'll have to buy it from your local adult book store or video store.)

(Or you can go to Karrde. I'm sure he's got a bootleg copy.)

Needless to say, it took Han Solo some time to extract the Luke Skywalker debris from his kitchen ceiling. It will also take some time for Jedi Master Skywalker to fully recover from his near death experience.

**Eight hours later:**

"What's wrong with Luke?" Leia asked.

"Long story," Han said.

"Is Uncle Luke going to be okay?" Anakin asked.

"Uhh..." Luke moaned.

I guess you two will have to wait a few days before you can seek vengeance on Karrde and Lando.

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**One week later:**

A very satisfied Talon Karrde was rewatching part of the recording with Booster Terrik as they traded some vitally important information.

"Have you seen the strip clubs on Belion IV?" Booster asked.

"No, but I hear they're quite...unique," Karrde said.

Oh yes, vitally important.

"Did you hear what Leia did to Solo and Skywalker?" Karrde asked. Booster smirked as he suddenly held up a datacard.

"Corrin took some pictures. I'll give you a copy for a price," he said.

"What kind of price?"

"You have some dirt on Bel Iblis, I want to hear it."

"I have to see the pictures first to determine the value," Karrde answered.

"Well it so happens that..."

"Hey Chief," one of his crewmen called out. "Your package just came in."

"Ah, excellent," Karrde said. He rubbed his hands together in anticipation as he stood up. Booster raised an eyebrow at him.

"This is a shipment I've been waiting for," Karrde explained. "It's some very special equipment that I ordered from one of my business associates out on the Rim."

"What kind of special equipment?" Booster asked. Karrde smirked as they walked into the storage room.

"Why my good friend, allow me to show you." Karrde punched a code into the security panel on the heavy box.

"These are genuine..." Karrde slowly trailed off as many small boxes came tumbling out of the storage container. He stared at them for a long moment before slowly bending to pick one up.

"Male performance enhancers, eh?" Booster said as he read over Karrde's shoulder. Just then, a holographic recording shot out of the open box. The small images of a certain Corellian and a certain Jedi Master grinned innocently up at the now angry Karrde.

_"Karrde, you dirty son of a **bleep**! I'll **bleep** you then **bleep bleep bleep bleep bleeeeeep**! And Luke also says **bleep bleep bleep**!"_ Han yelled. (The narrator sincerely apologizes for the censoring. The next time that she narrates a story, she will be sure to do it on Tatooine or Corellia where the censoring commissions are less strict...or none existent.)

_"Karrde, even if you're not in a situation where these are needed..."_ Luke said.

_"In other words, if you're not getting any,"_ Han clarified.

_"We knew that if the opportunity should ever arise,"_ Luke continued.

_"However unlikely,"_ Han cut in.

_"...that you'll really really need these,"_ they both said.

_"BECAUSE WE DON'T!"_ Han yelled.

_**Click.**_

The hologram clicked off and Karrde stared at the pile of male performance enhancers a split second before he began screaming bloody murder.

Booster Terrik laughed his ass off.

**Meanwhile, many sectors away:**

"AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Lando yelled furiously. Lobot made a point of retreating to the next room.

"I'LL KILL THEM!" Lando threatened.

He had recieved the same gift as Karrde. But unlike his partner in crime, three lovely ladies that he secretely admired had witnessed the opening of his "gift."

Lando Calrissian kicked a box of male performance enhancers across the room and stormed out.

The three (unnamed) lovely ladies giggled amongst themselves.

What, did you two seriously think that Han and Luke wouldn't try to get you back?

Karrde threw his pile of enhancers out of the nearest airlock.

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_One last chapter left._

_Chapter 19: The Antilles Finale_

_Enjoy!_


	19. The Antilles Finale

**Hey Dad...**

**Chpt. 19: The Antilles Finale**

The life of Han Solo and Luke Skywalker, ever eventful and full of surprises. The narrator would like to take this moment to point out that just because they might be the famous heroic saviors of the Rebellion or even the Jedi Master of the new Jedi Order...

Men can sure be idiots.

Especially when it comes to the female gender.

Sorry guys, it's the truth. You know the saying, men are from Corellia and women are from Alderaan.

It is also at this time that the narrator would like to thank the many fan reviews to this story. She wasn't sure if this story of heroic "tragedy" would be well recieved. Now she, the narrator (coughauthorcough) is quite pleased with the fact that she may have well started a cult.

If there is any kind of hidden moral in this story, it is thus:

What goes around comes around.

As Wedge Antilles is unfortunately about to find out.

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"I can't believe we haven't been caught yet. You using the Force Kid?" Han asked. While no verbal confirmation came from the Jedi Master at his side, a sly grin briefly rose on his face.

"Well, let's just hope our luck keeps up," the Corellian continued.

For the love of...what are you two doing?

"What's it look like we're doing?" Han asked.

Something really really stupid?

"What makes you think we'd do something like that?" he asked.

The two of you are standing in the corner of the X-Wing landing bay holding two large, suspicious looking bundles of who knows what.

"Shut up and narrate!" Han yelled.

Sure sure...hey wait. Han, why is it that you're the only one who ever talks to me (with the exception of Biggs)? Luke always seems to ignore me.

"Shhh..." Luke whispered. "This requires delicate precision. We need silence to work."

Sure.

"Really," Luke said.

Uh huh. Well don't look behind you now, but you've got company.

"What?" Han and Luke swiveled around to see non other than Corrin Horn staring at them curiously.

"What are you two up to?" Corrin asked.

"Uh...nothing," Han lied.

Han, Corrin's force sensitive. Somehow I don't think lying's going to work.

"_Solo_..." Corrin warned.

See?

"Okay, fine. We're going to sabotage Wedge's X-Wing," Han answered. Corrin stared at him before looking at Luke. Luke nodded.

"Geez, you two are serious," Corrin said.

"When's Wedge supposed to be back?" Luke asked. Corrin eyed the heavy bundles in their arms as a large smirk rose across his lips.

"In about fifteen minutes," he replied. "But Wes is with him. I can have him stall Wedge if you need me to."

"Wes is good at that sort of thing," Luke agreed.

"Just get going," Corrin said. "I want to see what you're going to do."

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Wes crossed his arms thoughtfully as he thought about the strange message from Corrin.

_"Stall the fearless leader. At all costs."_

The pilot rubbed his hands together in anticipation. Apparently some form of mischief was afoot. Wes was more than ready to contribute to the cause.

"You ready to go Wes?" Wedge asked as he returned to the cafe table.

"Sure sure," Wes answered as he drained his coffee. "I'll drive us back."

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**"HAHAHAHAAAA!"**

"Corrin would you shut the hell up?" Han yelled. "We're trying to work here!"

"Sorry, it's just that...this is ingenious! However, I have one thing to add."

"And what's that Horn?" Han asked crossly. Corrin grinned as he ran back to his X-Wing and rummaged in the back. They saw him scribble something on a large scratch piece of paper before racing back to them. The pilot shoved the note in front of him as he beamed proudly. Luke and Han read it carefully before matching grins rose on each of their faces.

"That's...that's good," Luke said.

"I especially like the name," Han added. "It's very creative."

"That's what I thought," Corrin said.

"How long till Wedge gets here?" Luke asked. Corrin rummaged in his pocket until he pulled out a comlink.

"Let me check."

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"WES! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" Wedge gribbed the sides of his seat for dear life as Wes made a sharp right turn.

"YOU MISSED OUR TURN!" Wedge continued to yell.

"Huh? _Whaaaa_? What'd you say?" Wes asked innocently.

"THE TURN! YOU MISSED OUR TURN!"

"Whaaat? This turn?" Wes put the transport into a nose dive as he barely missed colliding with another vehicle. Then he made another sharp turn to the right.

**"WES! ARE YOU DRUNK?"**

"Huh? Wha?" Wes asked again. "Oh...whoops..." Wes made a show of loosing control of their transport.

**"WES! YOU ARE SO DEAD!"**

Wes smirked as he made another nose dive. This was fun.

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Ten minutes later, a very irate and disorientated Wedge Antilles came stumbling into the landing bay. Wes had run for dear life once they had finally stopped. Wedge had no idea where he was hiding. One thing was for certain though.

Wes Janson was a dead man.

"You okay Wedge?"

Wedge turned around to glare at Corrin. The other pilot gave him a concerned look and Wedge reluctantly sighed.

"Wes tried to murder me."

A spark of amusement lit up Corrin's eyes as he looked at Wedge.

"It's not funny," Wedge muttered. "I'm going to kill him."

"You wouldn't be the first," Corrin replied. "I think there's a list."

Wedge grumbled at that as he made his way over to his precious X-Wing. He climbed the step ladder and stopped in wariness.

Someone was in his X-Wing.

"Uh...Corrin?" he asked suspiciously. Corrin turned over to him.

"Wha..." Corrin's eyes narrowed. "There's someone in there," he stated. A Jedi look briefly crossed his face.

"Yeah...hey..." Wedge rapped on the cockpit shielding. (The technical term is unknown to the narrator, so therefore not used.) "Hey!" he yelled again.

No answer.

The increasingly alarmed Wedge was starting to get suspicious. He loosened the blaster at his side and he saw Corrin take out his lightsaber. The two men looked at each other before nodding. Wedge carefully opened the cockpit.

He nearly fell off the X-Wing as an explosion of women's underwear came flying out of the open cockpit. A shocked Wedge stared at the red haired mannequin sitting in his seat as a lacy pink bra landed neatly on his forehead.

**"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"** he shrieked.

**"BWAAAAHAAAHAAAAHAAAA!"**

He whirled around to see a red faced Corrin and Wes laughing at his expense. Behind them he also saw a smirking Han and Luke come out from behind Corrin's X-Wing. Han was holding a holorecorder.

"Smile Antilles!" Han yelled. Wedge sputtered as he made a not so polite gesture to the camera.

"Hey Wedge, read the note!" Corrin yelled. Wedge whirled around to see that a piece of paper was sticking out from within the mannequin's bra. The Corellian numbly reached into the bra (to the snickers of the onlookers) and pulled out the note.

_Hi, my name is Wedgina Thong!_ (Wedge in a Thong?)

_I'm here as your personal love slave. I do parties, weddings, orgies, delegations and of course,  
my personal favorite...night time entertainment!_

_If you're worried about what your wife will say, don't worry! Though she may find the idea of another woman initially insulting, I'm sure she'll come to accept me as your illegal concubine._

_So what do you say that we drop the formalities and get to know each other? After all, space can be a cold cold cold place._

Wedge stared at the note for a long long moment before he slowly crumpled it up. His audience watched in fascinated amusement as his face first turned pink, then red, then purple, and then finally a strange bluish violet.

"Hey Wedgina!" Wes yelled. "Smile for the camera!"

**"GAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"** Wedge roared. As if the situation wasn't undignified enough, Luke force lifted the female undergarments and dumped them over his head.

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And thus ends our tale. The lives of our heroes returned to semi-normalcy. Well, except for Wedge, who endured months of _"Hey Wedgina!"_

But that's okay, he got over it.

Corrin found the door to his X-Wing conviently glued shut and Wes was spacetaped (otherwise known as ducttaped) to an infirmary bed.

As for the fate of Wedgina Thong, well...

She has survived numerous spacing attempts on behalf of a certain Wedge Antilles and briefly served as a proud member of Rogue Squadron. The Rogues elected her as their unofficial mascot (to the rage of Wedge Antilles) and even gave her a military rank and locker.

The pranksters of Rogue Squadron even stuffed all of her lingerie into the metal locker marked _'Colonel Wedgina Thong.'_

She has also survived several target practices with the female members of Rogue Squadron, including one memorable time when Wedge's wife tried to use Corrin's lightsaber on her.

However, despite her injuries, she survived that day to carry on her duties of tormenting Wedge. Sadly though, our brave red haired Mara Jade look-a-like heroine met her fate at the hands of some as yet unknown evil conniving assassin. (Wedge is strongly suspected.)

Her head was decapitated and hung from the ceiling of the mess hall and her body met a tragic fate in a nearby trash compactor. Quite fittingly though, in remembrance of her bold career, a funeral service was held in the X-Wing bay and received a stirring funeral oration from a one Wes Janson.

However, unknown to Wedge Antilles, his fellow Rogues have already ordered another model of the same mannequin. We just won't tell him that.

El fine...for now.

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_Author's note: And so it ends. Keep an eye out for Hey Palpatine, it should be coming up in a few weeks. I just started fall semester at college, that's why I'm waiting a few weeks before I start on it. After I do Hey Palpatine, I'm planning perhaps to do the Tribble story, I'm not sure. I'd also like to write a more serious, action/adventure SW story too. But right now, I'm going to get the humor stories out of my system._

_**Hey Palpatine**: A Mara Jade version of Hey Dad. Palpatine deals with female puberty as Vader has a run in with an unwelcome guest._

_Who is Vader's unwelcome guest? Well, it's a surprise. I will say that it's a good surprise._

_**"I'll say,"** says Vader's 'guest.' **"After all, it's me! In celebration of my upcoming guest appearance in Hey Palpatine...drinks! Drinks for everyone! On the house!"**_

_Oh boy._


End file.
